A Guide To The Media Methuselahs

"I don't want to die. I love what I'm doing," said Viacom chief Sumner Redstone on CNBC yesterday. My, what a positive and also extremely sad quote! Coming from an old, old man like Redstone, it's more of a last-ditch prayer to Father Time than a peppy statement of on-the-job satisfaction. After the jump, a complete guide to the top five elderly figures in media moguldom. They're a cast that could end up having spent decades in power—probably because the younger counterparts who should be overtaking them decided to go into the tech industry on the West Coast instead (except Nick Denton). May these old men all live, um, a lot longer:

A Guide To The Media Methuselahs

Name: Sumner Redstone

Age: 85

Position: Chairman, National Amusements (Viacom, CBS, MTV, etc.)

What kind of old man is he?: Befuddled

Trick in staving off old age: Fights with daughters.

Key quote: "I'm gonna fight death as long as I can. I like it here. I don't want to go anywhere else"

Health threat: Face of porcelain

A Guide To The Media Methuselahs

Name: Rupert Murdoch

Age: 77

Position: Chairman, News Corp

What kind of old man is he?: Vindictive

Trick in staving off old age: A much younger wife.

Key quote: "You can't be an outsider and be successful over 30 years without leaving a certain amount of scar tissue around the place."

Health threat: Enveloped in skin folds.

A Guide To The Media Methuselahs

Name: Sam Zell

Age: 66

Position: Owner, Tribune Company

What kind of old man is he?: Gnomish

Trick in staving off old age: Fights with his employees.

Key quote: "Fuck you [OLD AGE!]"

Health threat: Balding

A Guide To The Media Methuselahs

Name: Barry Diller

Age: 66

Postion: Chairman and CEO, IAC

What kind of old man is he?: Angry

Trick in staving off old age: Fights with fellow businessmen.

Key quote: "I thought they were talking about eye charts. I don't see anything full-blown." [On being called a "visionary"]

Health threat: Tooth gappage.

A Guide To The Media Methuselahs

Name: Hugh Hefner

Age: 82

Postion: Owner, Playboy Enterprises

What kind of old man is he?: Desperately youthful

Trick in staving off old age: Parties, hordes of women, pajamas.

Key quote: "In many ways, I'm younger than I was 20 years ago."

Health threat: Priapism.