Tom Cruise's Comeback Film: A Village People Biopic, Starring Tom Cruise In Every Role

As Tom Cruise loves to remind us on his website, he's been prancing around Hollywood for 25 years, playing all kinds of roles we vaguely remember. But who knew all that hard work had been mere preparation for his landmark role in a one-man Village People biopic? In an apparent nod to American history, the patriotic Cruise temporarily abandoned hope for a truce between his army of Xenuphobes and Germany, choosing to split the difference and celebrate this wonderful country L. Ron Hubbard called home. In between the COS founder’s time traveling vacations to ancient Rome and DeLorean rides to the future, that is. And now that Cruise has donned a cowboy hat, tight jeans, and a fitted tee, he’s officially paid homage to each bandmate from that gayer-than-gay feel-good group of song-and-dance men who would surely welcome Cruise into a singalong of “It’s Raining Men.” So among Tom’s many characterizations of the Navy Boy, Earnest Construction Worker, Bad Boy Officer and, of course, Leatherman, which Village Person’s heels shoes does Tom fill out best?

Tom Cruise's Comeback Film: A Village People Biopic, Starring Tom Cruise In Every Role

Tom's macho, chest-baring role in Top Gun was less about getting the girl than it was about male bonding, a topic the VP's Military Man knows quite a bit about. And Cruise's shiny leather vest and gelled back hair in Magnolia surely taught him a thing or two about squeezing larger than life pecs into confining fabrics, though a quick viewing of Leatherman's moves will provide guidance on how to bust a move when it's raining men.

Tom Cruise's Comeback Film: A Village People Biopic, Starring Tom Cruise In Every Role

Tom spent some time propping a rock hard construction hat atop his pretty mane while overseeing a Crenshaw construction project last year, but we're sure some practice would lead to Cruise mastering the VP Construction Guy's ability to wear that hat without mussing up a 'do. Of course Cruise will have to add some bling to his Independence Day get-up to look as tricked out as the VP Cowboy, and we highly suggest he arm himself as the group's resident cop did, while playing a German officer overseas.

And no, we would never forget the 70s group's peacocked out Indian chief, but without any Dances With Wolves-esque parts on his resume, we suggest summoning fellow nutcase and tribal expert Mel Gibson to step in as Tom's mentor. As long as no one mentions the fact that Cruise is portraying a gay guy dressed head to toe in feathers and plumes, all should be well.

[Photo credits: rotten.com, nerve.com, Bear's Garage, X17]