• Angelina Jolie wants to give birth, already, and leave the hospital like a tough American patriot. But her lazy, arrogant French doctors will make her wait in agony for three more days so they can celebrate cutting off rich people's heads like communists and probably also so they can fornicate with their unbathed mistresses, get drunk and fantasize about terrorism. See what happens under socialized medicine? Celebrity divas are grossly inconvenienced! Awesome, right? [Showbiz Spy]
• Former Clinton dreamboat, current ABC News pundit George Stephanopolous was stopped and asked for press credentials by a Barack Obama aide. Ostensibly because he was unshaven and in short sleeves, but really maybe because of his terrible debate questions. [P6]
• Madonna's estranged brother claimed she almost had a baby with basketball star Dennis Rodman and that she hangs in view of her kids a photo of her "in S&M gear and lying on a bed with dead animals." Baseball star Jose Conseco claimed she begged him to impregnate her so she could have another Cuban child.
• Meanwhile, since Madonna keeps denying that she had a thing with slugger Alex Rodriguez, Rodriguez's wife is threatening to release some salacious text messages. [Sun]
• Jamie-Lynn Spears, who just gave birth, "has a well-known affinity for soda and Cheetos." As opposed to the rest of America, which leaves these strange food products languishing in obscurity. [P6]

Send an email to Ryan Tate, the author of this post, at ryan@gawker.com.