Alba, McConaughey Offspring Already Slumming It With OK!

Ah, the three trimesters of Hollywood child birth: 1. pretend to love pregnancy, 2. schedule a c-section in order to sidestep any labor or stretching of siren vag, and 3. whore out your newborn's picture to the highest bidder. It's such a magical time! And while there are critics, it's a natural response to choose to splash your baby's face across the tabloids, especially when you constantly publicly reminisce about the good ol' days when you could buy panty liners in private. And why participate in the Hollywood Baby Bonanza? It's not like the early publicity will morph your kid into some kind of poorly mannered fauxhawked skunk. However, it will get you paid.

Matthew McConaughey and frowny-faced pregnancy loather Jessica Alba are the latest celebrities to debut their offspring via fancy photoshoot. But despite the big pay days, both of these deals come with a little bit of scandal.

Instead of swaddling with Shiloh-approved People, both stars stuck deals with OK! Magazine, which means they're now lumped in with potentially crazier, certainly white-trashier babies like Maddie Briann Aldredge. How embarrassing. And while the deal makes more sense to red-neck-empathizer McConaughey, the move is far more surprising for the higher-maintenance Alba, whose baby's name is Honor.

Of course, when dealing with all matters of the heart, these celebrities turn to their accountants to make the decision for them. And it's a good thing McConaughey did, otherwise he'd end up perhaps classier, yes, but even worse, poorer:

His publicist, Alan Nierob, begged him not to work with [OK!] because he’s considered an A-lister. But Matthew hired money man Todd Shemarya, who brokered the Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie $4 million People deal."

And because of the deal, wombanizer McConaughey will reportedly receive $3 million for the first pictures of little Wrangler Levi. But alas, Alba will receive only $1.5 million, giving her yet another reason to hate everyone and everything around her. As she wipes little Honor's bottom with $10 dollar bills (baby wipes chafe!), she at least can take solace in knowing that her baby's photo will still fetch more than anyone's baby in Kansas ever will.

And where will Baby's First Millions go? Shirts and an indoor gym for daddy? Acting lessons and attitude checks for mommy? Therapy? The possibilities are endless! Luckily for us, for the next 30 years, we'll all be able to read the latest and breaking news on Levi and Honor from OK! Magazine. Imagine if Honor becomes a lovely, smiling joy? Or Levi, a buttoned-up, sober politician? My god, the horror.