Bonnie Fuller, Madonna Truther

Now that Bonnie Fuller's been kicked out of American Media, she can finally reveal the dirty secrets of how the Celebrity Tabloid game is really played. It's all an elaborate Watergate-like conspiracy! The celebs are in collusion with the glossies! You know that thing where baseball player Alex Rodriguez was suddenly hanging out with Madonna and divorcing his wife? Remember that? You know how none of it made any sense? Well Fuller-whose career in the tabloid trenches gives her a special understanding of how these sorts of stories work-smells a rat. An aerobics-addicted 49-year-old celebrity rat.

In a column in Ad Age, Fuller claims to know that the A-Rod/Madonna text message affair has been going on for months. Her "own source" even witnessed Madonna enter an elevator with A-Rod six months ago! They didn't come back down for an hour!

Isn't it strange, then, that their relationship only went highly public just over three weeks ago when Madonna and her two sons turned up wearing Yankees gear and sitting in A-Rod's box at a Yankee Stadium baseball game?

Wasn't that just a couple of days after news reports had appeared saying the tickets for her upcoming tour weren't being snapped up as quickly as expected?

Yes! That makes perfect sense! Madonna entered into this affair half a year ago and has now gone public with it in order to boost ticket sales for her upcoming tour. One wonders why she didn't try this homewrecking celebrity scandal trick when she was, say, trying to boost sales of her album, but maybe she just thought she'd save the big guns for the slow July news season? This goes even deeper than you can possibly imagine!

Her supposedly "estranged" husband, Guy Ritchie, has joined her and appears to be completely in on the whole marketing plan. He's been photographed with his two sons wearing Yankee booty at Central Park in recent days. My guess is that if Madonna's marriage is almost over and out, as has been reported, it's being maintained now by two total pragmatists who have made a pact to divide the financial rewards of a successful concert tour and album sales.

As for all the kabbalah, I believe it's just a cover that's been used to give Madonna and her new conquest more private time together.

Wheels within wheels. We're through the looking glass here, people.

For our part, we wonder how the woman who practically single-handedly invented the modern Celebrity-Industrial Complex at Us Weekly and Star is now sounding like a crazy HuffPo commenter? It's probably due to some conspiracy she entered into with Madonna and the Church of Scientology or something.