In the grainy land of reality show famewhoring, sometimes a pair of boobs will come together and a cable miracle is born. And that’s exactly what happened last night when we saw our maternal icon, Dina Lohan, meet our paternal icon, Hugh Hefner. On the latest edition of television’s most reliable guide to parenting, Dina taught us some highly unique strategies in order to effectively downsize your son’s balls, fake your way to the fountain of youth via Me-Time, and prove to your tweenage daughter just how insanely awesome and superior you are by making her choose between “Mr. Hot” and a career in music best left for those with actual talent. The newest lessons learned from Living Lohan, below:
1) How To Cure Pre-Teen Son’s Boredom: Place Silicone Breasts Directly In Front Of Child’s Face! While Ali burns eardrums away in the recording studio, Dina finds herself in a horrifying place: alone with Cody, the one kid she has nothing in common with. And Cody was bored, as many a boring person becomes when left unentertained by others. So! Off to meet the Girls Next Door and their owner Hugh Hefner, where any swinging dick, no matter how pre-pubescent, will promptly blush, explode in giggles, and shamefully retreat.
2) How To Undermine Your Daughter: Ensure They Never Succeed In Showbiz! After Dina hires the aforementioned Mr. Hot, a clearly under-qualified music producer who specializes in "guy songs," Ali musters up enough courage to question her mom's decision. But the poor tone-deaf kid obviously still doesn't know who she's dealing with — whenever her expert opinion is questioned, Dina knows to respond by instantly blaming the inadequate results on your child, and secondly, repeat the under-used and always infuriating "I told ya so!" mantra.
3) How To Feel Sexy When Pushing Fifty: A Little Trick Called 'Me Time'! If you're like us, you've often stared into the flawless abyss that is Dina Lohan's wrinkle-free face and wondered how, (HOW!?) can anyone be so impossibly beautiful after pushing out three and a half kids. Dina's secret? Odd and embarrassing workouts involving melon-size green aerobic balls used as disco-blaring speakers only the insane can bop along to! Oh, and mani-pedis, of course.