Hello, this is Joshua David Stein. I am back briefly to talk about the fifth season of Bravo's Project Runway whose first episode aired last night. Last night marked the beginning of the end of Project Runway as we know it. At the end of this season the program will make its much ballyhooed jump to Lifetime so when we first hear the shleeooop sound marking the beginning of the episode at the crazy hour of 9 pm, it was a bittersweet moment. Soon however joy spread over us like some sort of munificent eczema. Season 5 is made up entirely of cute girls and crazy people.
Of the sixteen contestants, three really standout as people you'd cross the street to avoid but also who you might want to follow at a discreet distance to better observe them. Are they really born of woman? Can the same crimson blood that course through their veins course through ours? Yes! Or, yes if your blood is made of Kool Aid, Heroin and Suede.
Blayne Walsh, 23: Tweaked-out Norfin Blayne says he's been a designer for six years. He's from Seattle, WA. He's tiny and will be played by Mary-Kate Olsen in the movie adaptation to the sequel to his life. He's also—I hate to say it—god awfully annoying. No 23 year old Seattle elf should bandy about the phrase, "Holla at your Boy." That is a bad thing to do. On the other hand, he is obsessed OBSESSED with tanning which explains a little bit why he looks like an orange alien. Blayne also says Girlicious a lot and even went so far as writing Girlicious on the poor girl who became his model. She's like chattel but dressed in a goofy diaper.
Fun Fact: Blayne's real name is Richard and he's a barista! Also, he might be the most annoying person on planet earth.
Stella, 42: Woah! It's like a Ramone is on the show. Stella looks like Cher but every time Cher turned right to get Botox injections, Stella turned left onto the Bowery to score. She seems permanently stuck in the junkie lean and has the monotone intonation that accompanies central nervous system damage. I don't know about you all, but watching her makes me really nervous. She almost went home but Lloyd from Entourage went home instead. This is a good thing since watching her is exhilarating albeit in a bum fights kind of way.
Fun Fact: Her middle name is Barbarella and her Myspace page is AWESOME!
Suede, 37: I suppose no reality television show is complete without someone who refers to themselves in the third person. Like, "Suede gotta do what Suede gotta do!" The first thing faux-hawked maybe-future-Dale Suede had to do, apparently, is change his name from Stephen Whitney Baum which he did! Now Suede's Suede (let's call a Suede a Suede) and he moved from Seven HIlls, OH to the city. Is he the Chris March of the season? Who knows but I do find that he addresses himself not only in the first but also second and third persons to be a good sign of things to come.
Fun Fact: Suede is loaded. According to this article, he owns an apartment in Chelsea, a 30-acre hideaway in the Catskills and he set up an endowment at his alma mater, Kent State.
Assorted Notes: 9 pm is a horrible new time. It means dinner at 6 which is just embarrassing. Probably has something to do with the fact that Lifetime viewers are all old women who are eating their television meals alone at home anyway on one of those seats that also is a toilet.
The guy from Detroit is like Kevin from last season but even straighter and cooler. He's from Detroit. He has no use for this noise.
I didn't realize how much I had missed Michael Kors until I saw his large incredulous puppy face.