"Prepare to be destroyed this summer," promises the website for the Hard Fest, which isn't exactly a heartwarming PLUR-like welcome. This promise (or is it a threat?) becomes even more baffling when you consider that DJ MomJeans, aka celebrity scientologist cum DJ Danny Masterson, is one of the people who makes up this bill. Currently placing somewhere outside of the Top Ten celebrity DJs — the Ronson siblings seem to have the lockdown on the top two spots — Masterson's acting career has been somewhat frigid since That '70s Show went off the air. We remember seeing Masterson in an extended cameo in the Anna Faris stoner comedy Smiley Face, and his IMDB profile shows that he's got a few projects in the pipeline, but we're glad to hear that the DJ circuit is lucrative enough for him to continue filling the coffers at the Celebrity Centre. (Those OT-VII ratings don't buy themselves, you know). Still, if you're on the hunt for a rave disguised as a sausage fest with 17 year-olds, the HARD Festival just might be the place for you this weekend. The rest of the line-up is run down after the jump.
The rest of the HARD Festival performers are heavy on the penis: Pharrell and Chad's pet project N*E*R*D headlines (they have a new CD called "Seeing Sounds"); along with Kill the Noise, described as having "angry distorted synth lines," (Seriously, it's as if someone snorted a line of meth and shot themselves full with steroids before sitting down to write the copy for this festival.) Seriously tough: the Bloody Beetroots, which sounds like something from 1990 acid house, except even more fierce.
Thankfully, MSTRKRFT (Master Craft) and Baltimore boys in Spank Rock lighten the load—(the former's gotta a track that just repeats, "All I do is party!").
For those too bored to rave-on the Hard way, there's a skate park hosted by Terry Kennedy. There's exactly one lady on the bill, Kid Sister, and we send her all the luck she can get.
[Photo Credit: Getty Images]