Oh hey, beloved humorist Joel Stein wrote a fantastic column for the Los Angeles Times newspaper called "How to Make Fun of Barack Obama." Wait, sorry, that's the wrong link. That link goes to a post we wrote on Wednesday. We meant to link to Joel Stein's hilarious and original column, "How to make fun of Obama." Do you need reassurance that all is right with the world? Here it is: his advice directly contradicts ours, repeatedly. Did you know that Barack Obama is really gay?

He's effete. He's well-dressed. He eats arugula — which he buys at Whole Foods. He mocks those who use guns. He is, as we mentioned, quite thin. He may only be half-black, but he's three-quarters gay.

"Arugula" is a funny word in a Catskills sense, sure, but that is the gayest thing you can come up with? He shops at Whole Foods?

Also on the list, specifically from our "don'ts" column: "His name is weird."

We were going to quote the bit about his racist grandmother but it will make you feel actual physical pain.

Joel Stein, you are so original, all the time!

Send an email to Alex Pareene, the author of this post, at alexp@gawker.com.