At long last, Dina Lohan has figured out a way to put all those rumors about her fictional former career as a Rockette to rest. In a clever and trademark bout of not-so-subtle child manipulation, Dina arranges for the always-bored Cody to publicize her very own Vegas show starring Dina, her jazz hands, and a pair of leggings that look suspiciously like a knock-off of Lindsay's blow job-ready version. With Ali’s career at its inevitable standstill, Dina decided to show her little ones how a real stage star gets the job done: con your child into playing PR boy for your otherwise blip on glitter-dusted Vegas' star-studded radar, and feign shock and scorn for the cameras after Cody's adorable promotional fliers are hung all over town. And still, amidst all the excitement of Dina’s return to solo stardom, we viewers learned yet another essential trifecta of lessons on how to belittle your son, blow off pony-tailed Carlos Leon-wannabes who just want a piece of your delicious ass and, of course, dance like it’s 1989:

1) More Tips On Downsizing Prepubescent Son’s Balls! Simple, really: assign them the task of assisting your blatant famewhoredom, ignoring how obviously disinterested they are in participating, then follow up by denying you ever enlisted their help whatsoever. Most importantly, perform this task on television.

2) Repeatedly Remind Fragile Tween Daughter Just How Big Of A Failure She Is! With no call-backs or word from producers regarding Ali’s non-existent and doomed career as a white rapper, Dina reminds Ali that she only had “one shot and you don’t blow it.” Insinuating, of course, that she blew it. Resolution? Tell her to go ahead and be “a little girl.” Then proceed to make the easily influenced Ali jealous of your own fantastic body by subtly sauntering up to her after a work-out and displaying just how much hotter your abs are than hers.


3) Fix Your Kids’ Sour Moods (Caused By You, Naturally) By Embarrassing Yourself In Public! And what better way for Dina to do the above than “dance” in her own Vegas performance, failing to actually put any of those Rockette Lies to rest at all. And no, that wasn’t just your screen — Dina really did just use Bring It On’s guaranteed-to-fail Jazz Hands move. More than once. But as long as your kids are mortified by you, you’ve sacrificed your own dignity to make ‘em laugh. Like hyenas. At you. Success!