The list of election '08 losers is a long one: There's John McCain, of course, who will die angry and bitter, notwithstanding his rather gracious concession speech last night. Steve Schmidt, McCain's chief strategist, will probably have trouble finding a Little League team to advise, unless he manages to redeem himself somehow. From Republicans on the Hill to GOP strategists to snowmobile and hunting enthusiasts, plenty of people will feel the cold wind of electoral defeat for a long time to come. After the jump, a roundup of New York City's nine biggest losers.
1. Fox News, Roger Ailes, and Rupert Murdoch
Murdoch's Post was one of the first papers to endorse McCain and his Fox News team (led by evil genius Roger Ailes) hammered away at Obama daily for months. Sean Hannity mentioned Bill Ayers ten thousand times, Bill O'Reilly questioned Obama's patriotism every evening, and when turncoat Dick Morris wasn't squeezing in a snide remark about Hillary Clinton, he was suggesting the country would be royally screwed if Obama was elected. And you know what? No one gave a shit. With Obama in the White House, Fox News's influence will be dramatically diminished. (We're going to take a leap and guess Obama will be changing the official cable news channel on Air Force One.) And while the network will have a whipping boy for the next four years, Fox's personalities will settle into a role that liberal media outlets grew accustomed to during the Bush administration: They'll complain incessantly, but they won't have any power.
2. Old, White Billionaires
Upper East Side financiers like Steve Schwarzman and Henry Kravis were among McCain's biggest donors and they raised millions more for the campaign by calling on their equally wealthy pals. Add in the battered economy, which has been upending their portfolios in recent months (and the higher capital gains taxes they're going to be paying soon enough), and it's easy to see why they'll be mourning the old days when the money was flowing fast and furious and it took 15 seconds to get Dick Cheney on the line. Other old billionaires who will facing a similar fate: Ted Forstmann, Woody Johnson, Peter Kalikow, Pete Peterson, Donald Trump, and Louis Bacon.
3. Rudy Giuliani
New York's scandal-plagued former mayor ran a pathetic campaign for president. When that didn't pan out, he became a double-loser by becoming one of McCain's most vocal supporters, shooting off his mouth at every press opportunity, even when the polls indicated the race was over. And now he's considering a run for governor? Don't bother, Rudy. Your career in politics is over. The good news is you'll have plenty of time to improve your golf game.
4. Bill & Hillary Clinton
Bill and Hillary had every advantage. And yet they ran a dirty campaign, ended up losing, and weren't even gracious about it when they did. An Obama loss could have opened a window for Hillary in 2012. Accepting defeat more gracefully and doing more to support Obama could have assured them more sway in Washington. Now Hillary will have to content herself with her role in the Senate as she comes to terms with the fact that the Clinton political machine is dead.
There were a handful of C-listers who stumped for McCain. Most were country music singers with fan bases in Red states like Texas and Alabama. Hasselbeck was one of the few New York celebs to pitch the GOP to the American public (even though she hadn't even bothered to register as a Republican). And to make matters worse, not only did she use the View to voice her political opinions on a daily basis, she injected herself in the campaign by hitting the trail alongside Sarah Palin. Perhaps she can personally accompany the Governor back to Alaska and stay there?
6. Michael Bloomberg
His non-campaign for the presidency never got off the ground and his messy bid to change term limit laws may have been successful in the end, but it also cost him a good deal of political capital. With the economy sinking—and even if he gets reelected—Bloomie cannot look forward to reveling in the popularity that he enjoyed during his first two terms. If he'd endorsed Obama—as some of his aides encouraged him to do—he'd be in line for a sweet cabinet position right now. But he didn't and so a gig in Washington is now a long shot, which means he'll get to spend the forseeable future firing city employees.
7. Keith Olbermann
With nothing to whine about beginning in January 2009, watch Olbermann's ratings sink like an anchor as he tries to muster mock outrage about, well, something substantially less important than presidential politics.
8. Mediocre Comedians
Not-so-funny comedians and not-so-funny late-night talk show hosts like David Letterman had so much to gain from a McCain-Palin presidency. Barack isn't nearly as amusing, which means those who've come to rely on tired Bush jokes for nearly a decade will be toast if they don't come up with some new material.
9. Tim Robbins & Susan Sarandon
Sure, they'll get invited to glam parties at the White House like all the other big-name celebs who backed Obama. But for those who in recent years have built their professional careers on liberal outrage, the transition to an Obama presidency is going to be a tough one. At least they'll won't have to sell their place in the Village! Sarandon and Robbins vowed to move abroad if McCain was elected president.