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WHEREAS, the Star Wars franchise comprises six films about the legend of Anakin Skywalker, his son Luke, a bunch of puppets and their exploits with the Force, and WHEREAS, said franchise is the most lucrative in the history of cinema, having generated nearly $4.3 billion at the box office alone, and WHEREAS, the creator of said franchise, George Lucas, has established additionally lucrative revenue streams from Star Wars licensing, animated series and his post-production empire at Skywalker Ranch, and WHEREAS, recent news reports reveal that Lucas plans to re-release said franchise theatrically in 3-D, and WHEREAS, the terrible second half of the franchise already capitalized on the celebrated phenomenon of the first half, andWHEREAS, said first half was previously exploited by Lucas's urge to re-release them with bad CGI and boring deleted scenes, and WHEREAS, said first half was further exploited by more home-video versions than anyone could count, and certainly more than anyone wanted to buy, and WHEREAS, a 3-D Star Wars re-release further cynically exploits a celebrated phenomenon that was just fine as it was, and WHEREAS, The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith will always suck no matter how many dimensions they're screened in, and WHEREAS, Lucas still does not yet have the technology to make his screenwriting multi-dimensional, WHEREAS, the conversion process will likely cost Lucas at least $15 million per film, with another $30 million of marketing on top of that, and WHEREAS, we are tired of spending money on George Lucas's old shit, and WHEREAS, we are tired of Lucas expecting us to spend money on his old shit, NOW, THEREFORE, LET IT BE RESOLVED BY DEFAMER: 1. George Lucas cease and desist in his threat to re-release any or all of the Star Wars franchise in 3-D, and 2. The Star Wars franchise shall be remanded to protective custody until Lucas is judged fit and modest enough to take care of it, and 3. Lucas serve a five-year probation during which the cash-mongering recycling of old properties is subject to a fine of $5 billion dollars and/or life in prison. RESOLUTION PASSED this 25th day of July, 2008. SIGNED, DEFAMER [Photo: Getty Images]