Resolution No. 4: George Lucas Sentenced to Prison For Continuing Rape of 'Star Wars' Franchise WHEREAS , the Star Wars franchise comprises six films about the legend of Anakin Skywalker, his son Luke, a bunch of puppets and their exploits with the Force, and WHEREAS , said franchise is the most lucrative in the history of cinema, having generated nearly $4.3 billion at the box office alone, and WHEREAS , the creator of said franchise, George Lucas, has established additionally lucrative revenue streams from Star Wars licensing, animated series and his post-production empire at Skywalker Ranch, and WHEREAS , recent news reports reveal that Lucas plans to re-release said franchise theatrically in 3-D, and WHEREAS , the terrible second half of the franchise already capitalized on the celebrated phenomenon of the first half, andWHEREAS , said first half was previously exploited by Lucas's urge to re-release them with bad CGI and boring deleted scenes, and WHEREAS , said first half was further exploited by more home-video versions than anyone could count, and certainly more than anyone wanted to buy, and WHEREAS , a 3-D Star Wars re-release further cynically exploits a celebrated phenomenon that was just fine as it was, and WHEREAS , The Phantom Menace , Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith will always suck no matter how many dimensions they're screened in, and WHEREAS , Lucas still does not yet have the technology to make his screenwriting multi-dimensional, WHEREAS , the conversion process will likely cost Lucas at least $15 million per film, with another $30 million of marketing on top of that, and WHEREAS , we are tired of spending money on George Lucas's old shit, and WHEREAS , we are tired of Lucas expecting us to spend money on his old shit, NOW, THEREFORE, LET IT BE RESOLVED BY DEFAMER: 1. George Lucas cease and desist in his threat to re-release any or all of the Star Wars franchise in 3-D, and 2 . The Star Wars franchise shall be remanded to protective custody until Lucas is judged fit and modest enough to take care of it, and 3 . Lucas serve a five-year probation during which the cash-mongering recycling of old properties is subject to a fine of $5 billion dollars and/or life in prison. RESOLUTION PASSED this 25th day of July, 2008. SIGNED, DEFAMER [Photo: Getty Images]