Bobo British Conservative leader David Cameron had his bike stolen in London last Wednesday. Today it was returned to him courtesy, writes the Sunday Mirror, of "Ernest Theophile and his Rasta friend 'KJ', who used their street contacts to trace the bike." Gone are the days of disappearing women of ill repute from jowly gentlemen's clubs. Everyone's home by 6 and shaking bottles of balsamic vinagrette in this new, smiling Tory party. Although it was Cameron who "joked" about implementing sharia law to hunt down and punish the dirty git what stole his precious bike.

Ernest, a staunch Labour supporter, runs a small "social business" selling electric-powered eco-bikes with the help of wayward teenagers to stop them falling into a life of crime.

He said: "You never want to see anyone have their bike nicked – not even a Tory." Ernest, who often stands outside the bookies on Portobello Road shooting the breeze with pals said: "We see Mr Cameron here quite a lot.

Hip right-wingers, "social business," and a road named after a gourmet mushroom. Somewhere David Brooks just plotzed.

[Sunday Mirror]