Hot on the paw heels of the news that Ryan Seacrest was devoured by sharks over the weekend, comes word that Gordon Ramsay, the blustering British cook who yells at cooking school dropouts for a living, was viciously attacked by a puffin. He is expected to live. What's going on? Are animals rebelling against the most rich and glittery of our species? We'll take a look at some other celebrity animal attacks after the jump and try to detect a pattern.
Susan Sarandon, Dolphin Attack! You can't make this shit up: while vacationing with writer/LSD aficionado Timothy Leary in the 1970's, the Academy Award-winning actress was "nearly killed" by a jealous female dolphin. The dreaded sea mammal took a bite out of her wrist and then "tower[ed] over me on its rear fins. She seemed to be 12 feet tall, emitting this loud, high-pitched noise. The attendants were screaming, 'We've got to get you out!' I was afraid I was going to get my other arm broken."
Fabio Meets a Bird The hunky romance novel cover model was riding a rollercoaster and was attacked in the nose by an angry goose or something. While it's unclear, really, whether the bird noticed his massive, ham-like idiocy and decided to kamikaze or if Fabio just blundered into it as he has every other aspect of his life, the fact remains that Fabio once met a bird at Colonial Williamsburg. And though it died, the bird won.
A Tiger Shows Roy That He's a Fucking Tiger Siegfried and Roy were magical gay animal tamers who did a show in Vegas involving our gayest predator cat, the white tiger. Mostly the beasts went along with the act, jumping through hoops and playing the hurdy gurdy and whatnot. Until one day, nature fought back. Roy Horn was mauled by a tiger who was new to the show, much like Nomi throws Gina Gershon down the stairs in Showgirls. After many surgeries, they managed to reattach Roy's face and the tiger was not euthanized. Reportedly, on the way to the hospital, Horn pleaded "don't harm the cat." Good on him! Apparently, during his extensive surgeries, a quarter of his skull was removed and placed in a pouch in his abdomen for later use. Blergh.
Crikey. Steve Irwin was an Australian fellow who liked to poke at dangerous animals and then run away. He operated under the banner of environmentalism, which I'm sure was true in part, but mostly he just brazenly cheated death until it caught up with him. Two years ago, Irwin was swimming in the water off of Australia when a stingray's barb went through his chest, killing him instantly. Tragedy for sure, but even bigger a tragedy is that his wife Terri has continued in the dangerous animal game, selling her wicked little leprechaun of a daughter off to the animal wranglers, who make her rap and sing songs and talk endlessly about her dead father.
Ryan Seacrest's Gay Shark Attack Clearly mistaken for some sort of jewel-encrusted seahorse, Dick Clark impersonator Seacrest was nibbled on by a shark over the weekend. Though state and federal agencies, including the FBI, DEA, ATF, CIA, NSA and BET, are on the hunt for the creature, speculation that it was simply Dunkleman wearing a snorkeling hose has not yet been disproven.
The Littlest Terror: Puffins Gordon Ramsay took time from his busy
pants dropping bellowing schedule to try to cook and eat a puffin and the little critter fought back. He was filming a show in Iceland and climbing down a rock face trying to nab the tiny bird. The bird promptly bit him on the nose and Ramsay went tumbling into the icy waters. He was able to save himself, much to the chagrin of the sous chef he's got locked in his sex dungeon. Also, I just know there's a celebrity who got bitten in the face by a dog, but I can't remember who. Not Tina Fey. Who issss it?