Wall Street won't have much to celebrate this holiday season. Most firms have announced record losses in recent weeks, thousands of employees have been let go, and even that banking birthright, the annual bonus, appears to be in jeopardy this year. Goldman Sachs announced yesterday that its top seven execs would forgo multi-million bonus checks. UBS followed suit hours later, and there's word that other banks will make similar moves in the coming days. Of course, the impact of the downturn isn't just felt by the bankers themselves. Some unlucky wives, for example, are just finding out that they're going to spend Christmas at the Four Seasons in Maui, instead of the Altamer in St. Barths, since someone decided that $10,000 for a beachfront suite was a little too much money to spend on a vacation right now. Fortunately, we're here to help. Friends, Wall Street cannot lift itself out of this mess alone, even if they happen to have tens of billions of taypayer dollars. If they're going to pull themselves up, we're all going to need to chip in, and then we'll all be rewarded when these financial titans return to their frivolous lives and start spending ridiculous amounts of money on real estate, clothes, and dinners once again. We may not be able to send them big bundles of cash (they've got the Treasury Department for that anyway), but there are countless other ways to help, little gestures that can make life easier for men who could use a little comfort as they experience sudden lifestyle changes, like having to fly commercial for the first time in years. Below: How we're going to lend some assistance to Lloyd Blankfein, the CEO of Goldman Sachs.
It's been a rough year for Goldman's chief, Lloyd Blankfein. Not as rough as it's been for some of his peers, sure, but difficult all the same. And now that he's not getting a monster-sized bonus like last year, it's only to be expected that Blankfein would be concerned about keeping an eye on expenses right now. We assembled a little package of coupons to ensure that the entire Blankfein family continues to shop through the holidays. We're not sure that they're all appropriate for the Blankfeins themselves, but no doubt they can put them to good use. Does Lloyd use Endust to keep the wood in his library looking shiny? Probably not, but he can always give the coupon to one of his many maids the next time she heads to the supermarket. Laura Blankfein may not use Garnier Fructis, but someone she knows probably does, so she can always pass the generosity on. Depends undergarments? Certainly there's an older uncle or cousin with incontinence issues, no? And we can't imagine the 50-cent popcorn coupon will go to waste. Everyone loves popcorn!
We sent this envelope full of coupons to Lloyd this morning, and we'll continue to help other Wall Street victims in the coming weeks. But we need your help, too. You're welcome to clip coupons. If you mail them in to us, we'll make sure they're directed to an appropriately needy Wall Streeter. Got some second-hand clothes you were planning to give to the Salvation Army? Consider investment bankers. They could use it, provided it's designer it's in near-perfect condition. So help boost the spirits of Wall Street's richest. A greater power will reward you. Trust us!