Vicky Cristina Barcelona's Big Three-Way Lie

Wait a tick. The only reason to see Woody Allen's new gauzy romance Vicky Cristina Barcelona is the sexy-pex threesomes between coffee-voiced Javier Bardem and the lovely and supple grand dames of acting coy Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson, right? Well then don't plan on seeing the damn thing because there are no ménage à trois in the film. Or it's like "implied" or something. Which is total bullshit! We were lied to (sort of) and we won't stand for it!

There are three words, all names, in the title. That implies threesome. There is the briefly shown red room (vagina-like!) face sucking session between ScarJo and PeCru. And now we find out that we don't get to see the three stars diddling each other like crazy (what the does the other girl do??) So, what, we have to endure two hours of people talking like adults and figuring things out warmly and with little consequence as only the casually wealthy of Allen's films can do? Harmupf. If we wanted that we could rent Hannah and Her Sisters for half the price and grow wearily nostalgic for a long lost New York that may have never existed in the comfort of our own homes. Fie on you, Mr. Allen. Unless, you know, you're planning to sneak some three way sex making into the DVD director's cut. Then we'll forgive you. That is what you're doing, right? Right?