Today brings the joyous news that ovary-shaking Idol demigod Clay Aiken has become a father to a healthy baby boy through the miracle of cutting edge fertilization techniques (the specs of how it was all accomplished are available here, if you care). In honor of this most improbable celebrity parenthood, we thought we'd compare and contrast Clay's siring achievement to that of another unlikely new dad, Matthew McConaughey:
Name: Parker Foster Aiken
Weight: 6 lbs., 2 oz.
Birth Defects: Highlights
Name: Levi Alves McConaughey
Weight: 7 lbs., 4 oz.
Birth Defects: One flip-flop
Shield your newborn for as long as possible from the public eye, then premiere him on The View at age four-days-old.
Flashbulb innoculation: Subject early and often to as many red-carpet events as possible. Try not to forget car seat cradle on a counter of marked-down "Paris For President" T-shirts at Kitson.
Father-son spa days...Front row seats to the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular...Blind cheesecake taste-testings.
Mutual wingman duties while combing Maui for honeys...bong shopping...post-weightlifting body-scrutinizing sessions.
4. Bedtime Rituals
Laser tooth whitening...Re-telling of the story of Goldilocks and the Big Fat Ruben Studdard...Christmas carols regardless of season...reassurances that there are no razor-toothed Claymates lurking under the bed.
1000 crunches...bongo-accompanied African tribal lullaby...Reminder to "stay strong, little man" before administration of tender kiss on forehead.