You guys are great. We just want you to know that. It takes a week like this-in which the complete ass-hattery of a man like Tucker Max is laid so exquisitely bare-to remind us what kind, unprejudiced little shits you are. So in honor of that, we've selected six of our favorite Tucker Max comments and placed them after the jump, where I'm told they serve beer. Oh, and it's not an accident that it's just ADismalScience and CodePink down there. They did extra-amazing work. But know that you are all near and dear to us. Except you, Moff.
- From ADismalScience in What It Is Like To Date Tucker Max: "And remember that one post about how he went sharking at that bar but just didn't feel up to it, and everyone was smiling and laughing but he just kind of sat there passing the beer between his hands slowly, thoughtfully, and then he went to the bathroom and splashed some cold water on his face and he came out and all his bros were just like, standing there, like marionettes without strings and he just had that deep sense of despair that he would never escape this LIFE or whatever it is and suddenly he felt very trapped and angry, and that blonde smiled at him, and he grinned back and decided that if depression is anger turned inward than maybe sex can be anger turned outward?"
- From CodePink in The Tucker Max Asshole Allegation Roundup: "I heard that Tucker once rocked back and forth in the bathtub for three hours whilst listening to Dave Matthews Band 'Crash Into Me' on repeat!"
- From Dismal in What It Is Like To Date Tucker Max: "Kinda like the one time Tucker was in the mall and he walked into Express to check out some threads and like Express has the chick section too, so it's totally a great place to glance across the aisle at some honeys in their natural habitat, and then he totally spotted this one hottie so he decided to walk up to her, but he wasn't sure if he should notice her shoes or her eyes or if she would want to get married someday so he just kinda dropped his jaw and touched her hair, and she totally just gave him this "WTF" look so he got the hell out of there, sped off in his car at like 100 mph hoping that a tire would blow out and he'd finally stop feeling that empty void that her hair had made him notice within himself. Wasn't this shit the HOTNESS? I was rolling, bro."
- From Pinkie in the same: "Remember the time Tucker called the phone sex chat line and started jerkin it to this girl talking about blowing him and his friend both and then at the end, when he came, he started crying and she said, "What's wrong, honey?" and Tucker was all, "I can't afford THIS, and I'm not talking about the money, I'm talking about the psychic toll semi-anonymous encounters are taking on me. I used to think it was all for fun and now I think it's like an addiction" and then he goes like on and on for like an hour and the girl just kept saying, "Uh-huh, uh-huh" and then Tucker realized he'd just spent over $400.00 talking to a stranger and so he hung up the phone and threw it at this vase on his coffee table, the face he took from his Mom's a while back because he needed a vase and it was one his father had given her and she didn't like reminders of him, but Tucker couldn't bring himself to sweep up the glass until the next morning and that was only after he'd stepped on a shard and sliced his foot open, but hey at least IT WAS SOMETHING HE COULD FEEL. That one killed me, man!"
- From Dismal: "And like there was that one post about how he totally swore off everything completely and went on a Broliday with his bros, but then like the Bro Bus broke down in front of this crazy run-down motel next to a strip club and there wasn't anything else for a bunch of dudes to do until AAA came with some gas - ride it 'til E bro, that shit ain't cheap these days and a bro needs his brewskis - so like they went in to check out the local talent and it turned out that Tucker got with this one chick who was the motel's owner's daughter and he watched it all go down from the back of the club, shaking silently with feelings he didn't understand at how bored she looked while he and his bros all smiled and laughed"
- From Pinkie: "Remember when Tucker wrote about the time he sat down at the edge of the bed with his head in his hands while the blonde was taking a shower, and he looked up into the mirror above his bureau and noticed the circles under his eyes were darker than he'd ever seen them before and he wondered how his mother was doing and hoped that maybe today, she'd kick Gary out because she was going nowhere with that guy fast, all the while wondering what song the blonde was singing in the shower and when she would leave because she stared at him last night after they had both finished and when a girl stares that means only one thing, that she needs to fucking leave now but then she falls asleep and the way her chest rises and falls reminds him of his mother when she was pass out on the couch after Jeopardy?"
Just really astounding, bro.