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A few things to keep in mind if you're thinking of sending Chinese food to the most hated man in New York after curfew. If you call China Fun on 64th and Second and ask them if it's possible to dictate a message and have it included with the order, you should expect the woman on the other end of the phone to be a bit baffled by the request and put you on hold so she can ask her manager. (They'll do it. Just explain that you're sending the food to a sick friend. We snidely included the biblical saying "This too shall pass," but you can probably come up with something better.) Don't know what Bernie likes to eat? Neither did we, but since it's been reported he's fond of steak from the Palm, we went with the shredded beef in garlic sauce. (He is kosher, though, so you probably want to steer clear of any pork dishes.) The big challenge, we soon learned, isn't getting the Chinese food to Bernie's building. It's making it past the doorman.

Apparently the staff of 133 East 64th Street is under strict orders not to let anyone up to Madoff's apartment, and this rule also applies to Chinese deliverymen—especially ones who turn up uninvited. So there's a very good chance that, like us, you're going to end up losing your $13 investment. But it also means some underpaid, mistreated deliverman probably got a free meal tonight thanks to us. It ended up turning into a good deed and we have something to write off on our taxes. All's well that end well!