China's Great Lip-Synch ForwardS

First, it was revealed that the giant fireworks footprints in Beijing's Olympics Opening Ceremonies were digitally manipulated fakes. Fakes! Sickening! Then came a more shocking revelation: even China's adorable little girls are forgeries.

See, China had a little girl who could sing quite well, but her teeth were sort of adorably crooked. So they took her voice and surgically implanted it in a different, prettier little girl (or the second girl just lip synched, one of the two). It was sort of a Julia Allison lip-dub video but done by evil communists instead of banal famewhores. Of course, we should be fucking thrilled that of all the things China decided to fake (besides the passports of its obviously 12-year-old gymnasts) they chose fireworks and the singing voices of little girls, because it means that, truly, the dominance of our superior Western Culture is not actually threatened by this coming Chinese Century.

Think of it. Totalitarian Communists are supposed to rigidly control images and alter history when it suits them, right? But they stick to things like erasing out-of-favor Politburo members from old photos after the poor schmucks are disappeared to the Gulags, not animating giant footprints in their fancy party videos.

"All war is deception" Sun Tzu probably said, so let's all be grateful that the Chinese have moved on to the post-modern American interpretation of that ominous maxim: All entertainment is deception.

Back in the day, when China wanted to burnish its image with manipulation of media, they'd, say, hide evidence of terrible working conditions at factories when journalists showed up for tours. Jouralist Loretta Tofani experienced this kind of deception first-hand, when she toured facories first as a journalist, and then, years later, as an importer of Chinese goods. In that second capacity, she discovered "millions of Chinese factory workers were touching and/or inhaling carcinogens—nickel, cadmium, lead, benzene, toluene, n-hexane, mercury-as they made products destined for the U.S."

So why bother with outrage at girl-swapping? Isn't that harmless compared to beating foreign journalists and forcing them to delete photos of a terrorist attack in China by Muslim separatists? Oh wait, haha, that just happened this month. NEVERMIND.