We're nearly a decade into the new millennium. We carry miniature computers around in our pockets, smooth wrinkles with quick injections, fix poor eyesight with a 3-second laser beam, and watch TV shows about robotic beings whose lives are scripted for them. Yet the most vital scientific breakthrough of them all continues to elude mankind: When will scientists get their act together and create a pill for instant weight loss with no unpleasant side effects?
According to spoilsport medical experts, the weight-loss products currently available over the counter or being touted on TV (like Apatrim, which promises "willpower in a bottle") don't work. "There's no 'lose 20 pounds' pill," says unfortunately-named dietitian Amy Virus. "Any time you see one of those crazy claims, definitely question it." Oh, well, at least gyms are offering big discounts at the moment—so you'll be throwing less money down the drain when you go three times in six months.