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We're sorry to learn today of the troubles afflicting George Lazenby and Pam Shriver, the one-time James Bond and tennis champion (er, respectively) whose six-year marriage has dissolved into a mess of abuse, dental and toddler drunkenness. At least that's the account handed down in papers filed in Los Angeles Superior Court, which also granted Shriver temporary custody of their three young children and a restraining order based on threats Lazenby allegedly made against his estranged wife. But for those 007-ophiles who shrug off the one-film Lazenby era urging good riddance and the rejoinder that there are no second acts in American life, a closer look at the marital discord in fact proves that the On Her Majesty's Secret Service star couldn't ask for a more stirring, villainous comeback vehicle:

"We were having a hard discussion about whether we could continue together under one roof. When the conversation turned to the kids, he said 'If you take the kids, I will kill you.' He and I have discussed this horrible incident and he says it was just his Australian manner and some humour - however, the mood and tone was all serious and I was devastated." ... Shriver said the couple had disagreed on parenting issues. "Throughout 2006 and 2007, I observed and objected to him offering our children beer from beer bottles and ice from scotch glasses," she wrote. "Throughout the marriage, I have protested his objections to things like the kids brushing their teeth, going to the pediatrician for check-ups, having innoculations, using sun block, keeping a schedule and car seats fitting securely." In court filings obtained by the Herald Sun, Lazenby said had never abused Shriver or the children. "She is a very competitive person — this is the cause of her success on the tennis court," he said. "Her actions seem to indicate that she is more interested in winning and controlling the situation than what is best for our children."

Having spent some time with a number of warm-hearted friends from Down Under, we can vouch for Lazenby's benificent "Australian manner"; like his compatriot Mel Gibson before him, he's also been accused of anti-Semitic slurs denouncing "senior Israeli government officials who were dining in the same swanky Los Angeles restaurant." Moreover, if you've never seen an Aussie dad pop a latex nipple on a Foster's can, then you're just not paying attention. And sunblock? Really? Seriously, remind us to never marry a tennis pro.