Mrs. Robert Zemeckis wrote a terrible book, with terrible sex. Michael Phelps had sex with everyone in China, which is terrible. Rielle Hunter has a terrible baby! John McCain was tortured by gay sadists! Oh, and ugh, someone is maybe a sadistic gay rapist. Don't break up with Andres Martinez! And then, finally, the Mrs. Jared Paul Stern sex tape. See? No more sex for anyone, ever. It's gross. Oh, other stuff happened too!

• An intern shit the bed, so to speak. Where "bed" means "work." But, you know, tip of the iceburg really.
• Joe Biden is probably going to be Barack Obama's loser Vice President because he captures that important "kinda racist old Irish Catholic dude" demo. But don't let that get in the way of your terrible speculation.
• Monsters! Sometimes we creat our own!
• TV is hard! And increasingly not worth it.
• The internet is hell.
• Congratulations to Harvard for winning a thing.

Send an email to Alex Pareene, the author of this post, at alexp@gawker.com.