Mrs. Robert Zemeckis wrote a terrible book, with terrible sex. Michael Phelps had sex with everyone in China, which is terrible. Rielle Hunter has a terrible baby! John McCain was tortured by gay sadists! Oh, and ugh, someone is maybe a sadistic gay rapist. Don't break up with Andres Martinez! And then, finally, the Mrs. Jared Paul Stern sex tape. See? No more sex for anyone, ever. It's gross. Oh, other stuff happened too!