A Definitive Guide To Cable Feuds

Cable news is a hyper-competitive environment full of huge egos fighting with each other for every scrap of a ratings point. And at this time of year, with all the shouting heads descending upon the political convention like a gang of ferrets into a small sack, conflict is inevitable. Plus it's hot, and there's not too much real news anyhow, so everyone is grumpy. After the jump, an illustrated guide to the most vicious feuds in the cable world. Pick your side, demonize your enemies, and play along:

A Definitive Guide To Cable Feuds

Bill O'Reilly vs. Keith Olbermann

Summary: Possibly the most active ongoing feud in all of cabledom. Cartoon versions of "left" and "right" personified.

O'Reilly's Position: Olbermann is a lying left-wing jerk. The New York Post agrees!

Olbermann's Position: O'Reilly is really the Worst Person In the World. Really, he means it this time.

Winner: Push.

Joe Scarborough vs. Rest of MSNBC

Summary: Repub placed on Dem network, odd couple antics ensue!

Scarborough's Position: Irresponsible liberals who shall remain nameless are giving this network a bad name. And I gets no respect around here!

Rest of MSNBC's Position: Joe Scarborough may be cute, but he's sitting in my chair.

Winner: Rest of MSNBC bound to triumph by sheer force of numbers.

A Definitive Guide To Cable Feuds

Fox News vs. Jon Stewart

Summary: Fox stands for everything that Stewart opposes, but the target is so obvious that he must parcel out his vitriol with care.

Fox News' Position: Mainstream Americans don't care about Jon Stewart any more.

Jon Stewart's Position: Fox News is "the biggest 'fuck you' to people with brains that I've ever seen in my life."

Winner: Stewart, on the merits; Fox News, on overall influence.

Jon Stewart vs. Crossfire

Summary: The classic moment that put the cable world on notice: Jon Stewart will ass rape you on live TV.

Jon Stewart's Position: Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala are a pair of bullshit-spewing hacks who are a threat to our very republic. I will expound upon this as a guest on their show, to a brave and uncomfortable extent.

Crossfire's Position: Ha, you're just joking, right Jon? Jon?

Winner: Stewart. Duh.