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Shocking news today as John McCain refuted his choice of Heidi Montag as vice president, instead settling on heavily lip-glossed Alaskan governor Sarah Palin. As Jeff Wells notes, Palin has a certain resemblance to Tina Fey as Liz Lemon: the horn-rimmed glasses, the messy up-do, the required fealty to an older, conservative man in charge. But where does each stand on the issues? We combed through their records (and Hulu) to find out — the results, after the jump:

QUALIFICATIONS Palin: Former mayor of a small Alaska town, she was elected governor of the state in 2006 and has served less than two years in that office. Lemon: "Who's got two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? This moi." GAY MARRIAGE Palin: Against gay marriage and supports a federal gay marriage ban. Lemon: "Just because I think gay dudes should be allowed to adopt kids and we should all have hybrid cars doesn't mean I don't love America." THE ECONOMY Palin: Believes that the Republicans can help get the economy and markets back on track, aimed to reduce general fund spending in Alaska by $150 million. Lemon: "I've got, like, 12 grand in checking." EXES Palin: The Alaska legislature is investigating whether she put pressure on a state official to fire her ex-brother-in-law, a state trooper. Lemon: "Last week was my birthday and everyone forgot except Dennis. He called and we went out and it wasn't weird." Jenna: "And how was the sex?" Lemon: "Fast and only on Saturdays-it's perfect!" In conclusion, Barack Obama must immediately retract his nomination of Joe Biden, thus leaving him free to appoint fictional character Liz Lemon the new vice president of the Unites States of America.