Nic Cage, Thai HookerForgive us. We're still a little hazy, having stumbled out in the wee morning hours from a Chateau Marmont bungalow, where the Jonas Brothers were reading bible passages off a stripper's ass at their official post-VMAs party. Good news: our virginity is still intact! Bad news: we wish we could say the same about our septum. More bad news: the box office crapped itself this weekend. Please enjoy this fittingly humdrum installment of Monday Morning Box Office: 1. Bangkok Dangerous - $7.8 million The worst box office in five years is led by this low-budget shoot 'em up starring Nic Cage, a remake of the Pang twins' Thai-language film. The number is in line with Lionsgate's expectations, they say, and should become "nicely profitable" just as soon as its star—who recently admitted to David Letterman that he was sold into Bangkok flesh trade sometime mid-filming—gives American businessmen with a taste for eccentric movie stars with roaming hairlines the sex-tour satisfaction they seek.2. Tropic Thunder - $7.5 million We've done the "full retard" jokes. We've done the "pee-pee maker t-t-tingle" jokes. And, sadly, that's all we got. Clearly, we have Tropic fatigue. 3. The House Bunny - $5.9 million Feel free to arouse yourselves with this photo of Anna Faris in a revealing pink two-piece holding a garden hose. 4. The Dark Knight - $5.715 million We're similarly at a loss as to what to say about The Dark Knight, so we cede the floor to this mashup trailer, which takes the audio from The Dark Knight trailer and grafts it to footage of Casino Royale. Why? We really have no idea. But it's well done. 5. Traitor - $4.66 million OK, clearly we don't want to write this today. So we'll let you write it, with a little round of Logline Mad Libs! "[Man's name] Cheadle and Guy [Verb] star in a [ADJ] international [NOUN] set against a [A CHILDREN'S GAME] of covert [A LINE OF WORK] operations."