Hello. My name is Joshua David Stein. I used to work here now I just drop in biweekly to discuss Bravo's reality show, Project Runway. Yesterday was the ninth episode of the fashion competition's fifth season. Soooo, um, totes out of character for me, I got pretty blitzed on Tocai before watching yesterday's episode.* Usually I keep my shit together but last night I was, as a little man we both once knew might say, a red hot tranny mess. So last night's episode kind of passed before me as an undifferentiated murmuring light show. Some narrative nuggets though were so bleak however as to pierce through my inebriation. They follow.PROJECT RUNWAY CANNIBALIZES SELF : I've been watching the show intermittently and whatever plot there was I lost a long time ago.** But it can't be a good vital sign when instead of reaching beyond the borders of the show, the producers decide to resurrect contestants of seasons past and, like so many bony mares, and force them back through the grinder. They do this twice in this episode. Once when they force this season's contestants to pair up with already executed ones (like Lame-o Jerry! Weenie fuck Dan! Gossip Girl Wesley! Angry Mormon Keith!) and again when they are confronted with another batch of zombie designers from season's past at the natural history museum. THIS IS WHY MUSEUM'S AREN'T FUN!*** Then they throw in Zodiac signs? Come on, you lazy reprobates! You can do better. Zodiac signs are only good for picking up high school girls in the Barnes and Noble cafe.**** TERRI IS SAD EX-MORMON HATER Keith is annoying, fine. I'm glad he's gone. But SRSLY! Terri, you are a skunky bitch. Keith doesn't like you. You don't like him. But at least he put aside his pride and put himself at your disposal. That's the challenge. Instead of making do, you were acerbic, defensive and bitchy. You once made us like you because you wondered what Suede was packing (in his pants). You asked whether it was a vajayjay (vagina) or balls (balls). But you squandered our good will when you let your bitchiness really injure those around you. Keith was already vulnerable in last night's situation. Imagine how difficult it was for him to be there. That you got sent home is not only a direct consequence of your inability to work with others but just retribution for your callous cruelty. I shan't be sad to see you leave. My only regret is that you didn't leave sooner. BLAYNE, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS BUT.... We've mocked Blayne in the past. He is still the same twerpy tangy troll. His design last night was also hideous. But, well, I'm getting choked up.***** Blayne, I'm sorry to see you leave. You left with a strange and bizarre grace. CONFIDENTIAL TO KENLEY You have a nice rack and a pretty face. Stop being so overpoweringly annoying. PLEASE! I want to like you but you are making it next to impossible. You don't look at collections? Come on! You have one week to comply with our request to stop being shitty. At that point, we shall have no other choice than to move you from Column A (Things We Actually Like) to Column B (Things We'd Like To Shut Up) * As if! It was really two glasses of Friuliano. 2007 was the last year one could call Tocai Tocai. According to a recent EU decision, the Italian grape from the Friuli-Venezia region is known as Friuliano after losing out on naming rights to the Hungarian varietal Tokaji, pronounced, confusingly, Tocai. Oh well, Klonopin is still Klonopin! **Memo to Mr. Hippity: I read your comments the other day (Nice job liveblogging yesterday. Always a pleasure to read.) One of the reasons that I'm here every other week is because the wonderful Mr. Lawson loves/hates/watches the show as much as I do. By alternating weeks, we ensure a plurality of viewpoints are voiced as well as gaining biweekly Wednesday night parole. ***I know, I know. Museums are fun. ****They're reading the Utne Reader. You're reading The Changing Light at Sandover. She's drinking an Iced Latte. You, an Earl Grey tea. You ask if she's a Virgo. She says, "Yes....born in 1990. Back off, creep!" You reply, "Oooh, Virgos are feisty." 1, 2, 3, 4, slowly walking to the door... *****OMG, did anyone watch Jerry McGuire before Project Runway? Tom Cruise is sooo good in that. Also, Zellweger wasn't as hideous as she has since become. You got me at Hello! AWWWWW! I choked up. (I get sentimental when I get pissy drunk, off the Henny and skunk.)