It isn't easy to be a gold digger in a deep recession. You can't just expect to hit a club and find bankers standing on banquettes with a bottle of Cristal in one hand and a handful of $100 bills in the other. And you can't just stand outside the Lamborghini dealership on Long Island and expect to meet that special someone. Conspicuous consumption is out and even the men who could afford a Lambo if they wanted one aren't buying them. Fear not! You just need to make a few small adjustments and boost your chances of meeting an absurdly wealthy man willing to shower you with gifts for years and years—or at least until someone younger, blonder, and cuter comes along. After the jump, a few suggestions!
Large groups of men at expensive steakhouses
Many companies have cut back sharply on corporate expense accounts: You just don't see the big groups of businessmen laughing over $300 bottles of wine at Midtown restaurants like the old days. But if you do see a group like that gathered, go in for the kill. It's a good sign the men work for a company that has not been decimated by the recession. And in this economy, job security counts for something, ladies.
Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities creditors meeting
Sure, any man you meet who lost a bundle to Bernie Madoff isn't going to be as rich as he was (or so he thought) a few months ago. But since Bernie typically preyed on very wealthy people, he's probably still richer than most of the men you'd meet elsewhere. Plus he's probably vulnerable, which will make it easier for you to develop a close bond with him in a very short time. Chances are he's Jewish, too, which makes it ideal for gold diggers who are also members of the tribe.
It really doesn't matter if he's buying art or selling it. Remember that! If he's buying work, it's pretty safe to assume he can provide you the lifestyle you've always dreamed about. If he's selling, it's not necessarily a bad sign. Unloading a Warhol for $1 million will earn you lots of shoes, we assure you.
Not too many people still own private planes. And if they do own them, they're often leasing them to cut down on costs. So if you're at, say, Teterboro and you see a guy stepping off his Gulfstream, go in for the kill. This is a man with serious means. But since the chances of finding a man like that are slim, you could always consider waiting by the first-class lounge at a regular airport as an alternative.
St. Regis, Ritz Hotels
Even top executives at Goldman Sachs are staying at the Embassy Suites these days! If you see a man traveling on business and staying at a very expensive hotel, you can be certain he's doing well for himself. The only downside, of course, is that he may have traveled to New York on business from Beijing, in which case your inability to speak Chinese may prove to be an issue.
Law firm offices, other places lawyers hang out
Do note: We're not talking about all lawyers here. The legal profession has been as hard hit as any other. The only two types of lawyers you should be focusing on: bankruptcy attorneys and white-collar criminal defense attorneys. These guys have never been busier. And, sadly, from the looks of it, they're going to be busy for a long time to come.