Megan Fox: "Who Gives Hand Jobs? Who's Given A Hand Job Since Seventh Grade?"

Back story: I'm lurking around one of the low-rent haunts of the highbrow magazine elite Wednesday and come upon a friend of mine, Jess, who introduces me to Donavan Hohn, a brilliant writer whose recent piece on a Hong Kong toy fair had inspired me to write a handjobby post about how much I love 'Harper's.' Anyway, like pretty much all journalists under 40 who bother with the whole "crafting exquisite paragraphs" thing anymore, Hohn has cash flow issues. So Jess suggests — naively, I'm assuming — he get into the celebrity profile racket. Her friend Mark Kirby does it! He just wrote a profile of Megan Fox for 'GQ' that was really actually a rewarding effort! And I'm thinking, "Oh Jess, guys like Donovan Hohn are just not wired to hustle celebrity profile assignments. Not least because guys like Donovan Hohn probably didn't know who Megan Fox even was when he saw her at a comic book convention at which he was busy jotting down the philosophies of some enchanting small-time hucksterpreneur, and plus, everyone knows celebrity profiles are the lowest form of hackery." Well shit, was I so totally wrong. Jess had just tipped me off to the best celebrity profile in years. Seriously, you know how the celebrity profile is totally dead? This profile could do for the genre what…Megan Fox does for impotence or something!

Megan Fox: "Who Gives Hand Jobs? Who's Given A Hand Job Since Seventh Grade?"So she totally unloads on GQ. Kirby asks if Transformers 2 director Michael Bay plans to make the "robots seem more human" than in the original. "You weren't concerned about them making the humans seem more human?" she asks. And, perhaps realizing "making preposterously hot superhero superbabe comic book character Terry Richardson-shot Megan Fox seem like a real person" it's a crusade she alone is going to take up, she: 1. Tells a story about her more youthful youth that suggests she is either a sort of sweet unlikely feminist hero or read Notes From Underground, either of which we'll take.
Well, that year my boyfriend broke up with me, and I decided-oh man; sorry, Mommy!-that I was in love with this girl that worked at the Body Shop [a strip club on Sunset Boulevard]. I decided that I was going to get her to love me back, and I went out of my way to create a relationship with this girl, a stripper named Nikita. I was there all the time-I would go there by myself. I bought her things-perfume, body spray, girlie stuff. I turned into a weird middle-aged married man. I felt like I had this need to save Nikita. I'd get lap dances so I could get to know her, and I'd give her what I thought were great little sound bites of inspiration-like You can do it, you're better than this! I didn't want her to be there." Why her? "She smelled like angels." Seriously? "No. Well, she did smell good. Like vanilla. She was sort of a tough badass, but she'd do these beautiful slow dances to Aerosmith ballads. She had really long stick-straight hair and was Russian. I just liked her. She was really sadistic and sarcastic and funny."
2. Makes up for bringing up the stupid stupid stupid stupid Miley Cyrus epitomeofstupid whydoweevenknowaboutthat "scandal" by saying "fuck" many times.
With any of the Miley Cyrus shit, or any of that Vanessa Hudgens shit-I would never issue an apology for my life and for who I am. It's like, Oh, I'm sorry I took a naked, private picture that someone is an asshole and sold for money. I'm sorry if someone else is a dick. No. You shouldn't have to apologize. Someone betrayed Vanessa, but no one's angry at that person. She had to apologize. I hate Disney for making her do that. Fuck Disney." Can I get that on the record? "Yeah. Fuck Disney."
Followed by:
"Yeah, that was probably a bad move-they own everything. But it's not right. They take these little girls, and they put them through entertainment school and teach them to sing and dance, and make them wear belly shirts, but they won't allow them to be their own people. It makes me sick."
3. Is just straight-up awesome.
I don't understand why [some paparazzi shots of her fondling Brian Austin Green] are so scandalous. When they first came out, it was like, Megan Fox was giving Brian a blow job in pub-I mean, uh-a hand job in public. First: Who gives hand jobs? Who's given a hand job since seventh grade? Not me. And who does it at a café on a public street? I touch him all the time. It's just like, if you have a girlfriend, you grab her butt or whatever. That's all it was, but it became a big deal. I don't know why. For me, touching Brian's dick for two seconds-that's not part of our sex life. That's me playing around; you know, you just cup it a little. For a few seconds.
4. And philosophical.
I get it. This is colorful, and you want something to write that people will want to read. I get bored reading typical celebrity shit also.
And yeah yeah yeah, it was not exactly as hard-won as "Frank Sinatra has a cold" but I am certain it is a lot better than any other Megan Fox profiles I have stopped reading after two paragraphs because I really have no idea why she's famous anyway.