Americans Scramble To Offer Bundles Of 'Shit' For Sale To GovernmentTom Brokaw of all people has a funny column in today's Journal about all the distressed assets 'Main Street' types would like to sell Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson. For instance, Barney "Big Un" Baumgartner of Wyoming — a real person, I checked — is offering an 80% stake in his gambling debts and taxidermy business for $1.8 million. The column is labeled 'humor' as if the Journal needs to remind you it does not find the actual bailout to be a joke. But they are are alone in that respect! Because the great untold story of this column the Journal can't tell you because they don't use swear words is the brand-new awesome website BuyMyShitPile.com, wherein average U.S. Americans are offering to unload their most illiquid investments — like this attractive house, Hank's for $269,000,000! — at what they believe to be fair "Hold To Maturity" prices or whatever. Our favorite shit after the jump:Americans Scramble To Offer Bundles Of 'Shit' For Sale To GovernmentSThe "Top Shit" is all pretty Lol, but be sure not to miss 1.The Entire GDP Of China, Inside My House 2. Loan To Retarded Brother And Sister-In-Law 3. Tom Friedman ha ha and (seriously) 4. Worst columnist ever Michael Gerson From Brokaw:
- A pawn shop in Reno, Nev., has an excess supply of eight-track cassette players, flower print shirts, broad white belts and Wayne Newton tapes, having gambled that the '70s would come roaring back. The owner pleaded for a Treasury take-over, arguing, "How can the government stand by and let such a rich part of our American culture simply fade away?" - The owner of an NFL poster shop in Green Bay, Wis., reports that he has given up on divine intervention and is now asking for Treasury to take over his business in a last-ditch effort to preserve the notion that whatever our differences, we're all Americans. Asked how his business got into trouble, Karl Andursen of Muledeer, Minn., said he met a man who specialized in printing Minnesota Viking and Chicago Bears posters. Mr. Andursen said the man was willing to bundle his posters and sell them at a discounted rate to anyone who would take over the Green Bay territory. Mr. Andurson said in the back of his mind he knew that could be risky since Green Bay is sacred ground for Packer fans who wouldn't cheer for the Vikes or the Bears if they were promised a fleet of new snowmobiles and lifetime hunting rights on Brett Favre's farm. But, as he said, everyone was in the NFL merchandise game and he figured he'd take the territory and after 30 days flip the franchise for a big profit. A year later and he's not made a sale, not one, but who knew? He's offered his complete inventory of Go Bears! and Vikings Rock! posters for 20 cents on the dollar or $500,000 in 30-year Treasury bonds.
(Personally, everything I ever buy is liquid so I don't have much to add to this list. But I hear Jezebel editor Dodai is moving this weekend!)