Behold Next Year's Crap Today: 'Vanilla Gorilla,' Starring Pierce BrosnanAfter his golden-throated turn as Sperm Donor #2 in the hit Mamma Mia!, Pierce Brosnan had all the leverage he needed to push one passion project of his own through a Hollywood machine that had all but given up on him. Finally, life after Bond — real life, not his DOA indie Married Life — shone on the horizon in its unmistakeable, honey-tinged haze. And looking into that haze, we see a figure emerging in the distant hills — a hulking shadow of mysterious provenance, that rarest of phenomena we'd only heard rumored about before today and which Brosnan is determined to redeem. Behold Vanilla Gorilla, which one wag is pegging as the Beverly Hills Chihuahua of 2009, but about which the IMDB summary has us feeling slightly less optimistic:
A New York girl befriends Gogo, the world's only living albino gorilla. Through sign language they communicate and bond, and their ensuing trans-African quest to return Gogo to the wild puts ruthless poachers, determined CNN reporters, and one very concerned parent on their tail.
Brosnan's role isn't clear here, though we quite like the idea of him in any of these potential parts — particularly that of the "concerned parent" who traverses Africa on foot, by Aston Martin and eventually by boat, romancing indigenous women along the way before a climactic poker showdown featuring grand prize Gogo handcuffed in the middle of the table, unable to sign and awaiting his fate. Or maybe Brosnan will play Gogo himself, spending an entire film in lumbering albino silence as cosmic penance for his misbegotten ABBA squawks. Either way, he's earned it.