What happened on The Hills last night? Oh it's both easy and hard to say. Easy because it was the same darn thing that's been happening for the past two (three?) seasons of the listless reality soap. Heid and Lauren pretended to take sticks to the dirt or peer into their tea leaves, trying to figure out What Went Wrong. And it is hard because, though it seems mostly the same, one must acknowledge that some new layers of dead plankton and fish bones have settled and compacted on the sea floors of their hearts—things must, yes, be a bit different now. But whatevs, yeah. Mostly it's easy. The presence of Holly, Heidi's long lost older sister who is back from what (we assume? it's shadowy) was a self-imposed Coloradan exile in the sleepy summit town of Crested Butte, has thrown a wistful wrench in the proceedings. She and Lauren have rekindled whatever friendship they supposedly had all those years ago, when they roamed Los Angeles and Holly picked up sticks for her dam. (I'm sorry, that's mean.) Though all they can really think to say about it is "we were the Three Musketeers," which is weird because that's how Spencer's blessedly-departed sister Spencerina described Lauren, Heidi, and herself. LC and Heidi's were jeeping on their Musketeership. Holly's friendship with Lauren makes Heidi sad, so she started digging for information. Holly acted as a dim liaison between the two wounded former friends, eventually encouraging Heidi to send a later to Lauren, vaguely apologizing for things and offering sixth grade sentiments and platitudes. The letter read:
My Dearest Lauren, It is with heavy hand and even heavier heart that I write these words to you. It has been near two years since last we laughed gaily, romped about the city (unescorted!), or simply took a turn about the room, discussing philosophy and maths. And oh, how I long to be back at Conradshire, enjoying sweet and savory meats, playing fortunatas and drinking plum sherry until ten o'clock. I wonder often of how Lord Brody treats you. Is he well? Are you happy, dear Lauren? Oh, I do of course realize that to ask questions in a letter is a most futile pursuit, surely I may well shout the queries into the cooling east wind. But still, I do wonder. I oft think of our quarrel and try to dissect, like one of Professor Wahler's biologie experiments, the organ of the friendship, the once thrumming tissue of our amity, to determine why it died. If you've any answers for me, it would lift my heart higher than Doctor Justin Bobby's magick gyrocopter flying machine. Though I realize I may have arranged my hopes into too fragile and delicate a bouquet. I am in need of water, dear Lauren. And you've the ewer. Eagerly awaiting your reply, should you see fit to provide one. Your eternally, Heidi
Or something like that. Anyway, that happened and Spencer was a jerk (see above clip). Meanwhile Audrina was dating some big eared boy who seemed nice in a bland, silly way. They chatted about what they are like when they're drunk, which I guess is a conversation that 22-year-olds have. I think it was the most explicit drunk talk the show has ever seen, so that's sort of interesting. Anyway! He is a nice drunk, apparently. Audrina said she was too. Justin Bobby is a mean one. Big ears and Audy sort of boringly hit it off, but then she couldn't stop talking about JB. Big-eared boy looked confused and a bit sad by that, and he just sort of shrugged his shoulders meekly. Audy then met up with Justin and they talked and you could see his fishing line luring her back in. It seemed like he was fine to date other girls, but he'd prefer that Audrina didn't and he'd use his passive aggressive Dracula thrall to get the desired results. So yes. It was a pretty slight episode, but next week looks interesting with Audrina taking her top off and um, Lauren doing something. To be honest, I wasn't paying that much attention last night. You know. 'Cause we'd seen it all before.