Hey, Mr. Mom: Your Wife Wants To Bang Don DraperHey, fey Park Slope stay-at-home dad who's taking care of the kids and cooking dinner because you've been freed from the yoke of oppressive gender roles: your wife wants to fuck a real man! A swarthy, hard-drinking, two-timing, emotionally distant sex hound who's not going to stop in the middle of things and think about whether he packed the kids' lunches properly. Sorry, Park Slope dad; your wife thinks you're a pussy. And you know who else thinks you're a pussy? The New York Observer. (Wow, that's bad!). They got in touch directly with your womenfolk, and they're all fantasizing about Don Draper, the heroic asshole star of Mad Men:
Don Draper is a bastard, most of these women will concede. He cheats on his pre-Friedan-ized wife, Betty, going through mistresses like packs of Lucky Strike cigarettes. He is stoic, handsome, emotionally stunted. "Obviously, he's physically attractive, but his lack of conscience is upsetting," said Megan Donis, 34, a television producer who lives in Fort Greene.
Your significant other thinks that all your progressive talk makes you and your role models a bunch of little ho bags!
"If you just compare him, to, say, Patrick Dempsey on Grey's Anatomy, Dr. McDreamy comes off as a whiny little sensitive bitch," said Lindsay Robertson, 31, a co-editor of Videogum.com, resident of Carroll Gardens and a self-described member of the "Draper estrogen brigade."
You thought you could wear a fannie pack and button-up sweaters and still be manly enough to satisfy a hot-blooded woman such as yours?
In suburbia-inflected Park Slope, scores of such Stepford Husbands can be found roughhousing with their toddlers at the playground, hoisting strollers up brownstone steps or putting together a nice little risotto for dinner. "In New York, in the age of the metrosexual and all that, especially in neighborhoods like Park Slope or Prospect Heights, it's not that unusual. In fact, it's pretty accepted," said Timothy Spence, 39, who lives in Prospect Heights and stays home with a 2-year-old daughter while his wife works in Manhattan as a graphic designer. "There just aren't those issues of masculinity."
You fucking fool. Go run some errands while your wife pleasures herself to thoughts of a strong-jawed cad.
But even as men proclaim themselves happy homemakers, some of their wives, or "partners" to use the popular parlance of the day, express ambivalence. "You appreciate a stay-at-home dad-as feminists, this is what we wanted!-but marriage now is all about equal partnership," said the anonymous Brooklyn mom. "It works as a social system, but it's not terribly erotic."
While you shop at the co-op for what you think is your wife's favorite food, she's dreaming about her real favorite food: Don Draper's cock!
She recalled a recent conversation between her husband and a SAHD of their acquaintance (the men had cooked, of course). "They were talking very intently about something that went on in preschool," she said. "And I just completely glazed over, went a million miles away in my head. I thought, ‘Jesus, fellas, get a life!'" By contrast: "Don Draper is a hero. He's a dreamer."
Overall, this has been one of the most satisfying articles I've read in some time. [by Irina Aleksander, who clearly thinks you are a pussy.]