Steven Spielberg Presents 'Marcia Brady and the Kingdom of the Crystal Coke Spoon'After traumatizing the Today audience yesterday with her delightful tale of family syphilis, former Brady Bunch star Maureen McCormick took her unsettling book tour to The Morning Show with Mike & Juliet, where she opened up about cocaine ("They would call me 'The Hoover' because of how much cocaine I would do") and family planning ("I was 18, 19 and 20 when I had each abortion"), then recounted a brand-new story about hitting rock bottom that was markedly different than the one she told Meredith Vieira on Tuesday. This one, you see, involved Indiana Jones:

Maureen says she hit rock bottom shortly after auditioning for Steven Spielberg for his then-film, Raiders of the Lost Ark. "It was one of the worst auditions of my life," she says. "I was asked to meet Steven Spielberg. I was high and I had missed my meeting with him. I was totally spaced out... been up for days. He offered me an orange...he probably thought I was sick."
Just think of the alternate universe in which Marcia Brady would have replaced Karen Allen in Raiders of the Lost Ark, thus ensuring a post-Celebrity Fit Club comeback in this year's Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Sadly, McCormick's involvement in the franchise likely would have led to a whole new round of unsettling revelations ("One time, while high on opium, I took on Harrison, John Rhys-Davies, and that guy whose face melted off"), but after South Park has had its turn with Indy, is there really any more despoiling left to be had?