· Who will keep Madonna's mustache in her bitter divorce battle with Guy Ritchie? · Not enough break-up drama? Can we interest you in a Grazer split? What about David Duchovny and Tea Leoni? · Why didn't late-night pitbull David Letterman pin down John McCain for trying to grab Barack Obama's ass in this week's debate? · Were you born under a Grazer sign? If so, have we got the horoscope for you! · So which is it: Is Dakota Fanning a "diva from hell" or just extra-dedicated to her tween craft? · How many stars has Ben Lyons fucked anyway? · Who has the better cure for autism: Dr. Denis Leary or cleavage-therapy pioneer Jenny McCarthy? · One way or another, will somebody at NBC please put Tina Fey back on the air already? · Can any memoir ever really justify Marcia Brady's shocking, sudden candor? · Have you mailed your last-ever fan letter to Ringo Starr yet? · Which is the more proper artistic tribute to Angelina Jolie: A milk-spurting mall fountain or photos of hamburger-noshing? · From the C-word to the F-word, can you believe the plunging standards on cable news these days? · Is it Spock or is it Katie Holmes? And how did fighting with William Shatner become J.J. Abrams's life, anyway? · Have you checked out our helpful new TV listings, "Watch Tivo Kill"? Well? What are you waiting for?