Goldman Sachs announced record earnings the day before yesterday. Today it was JPMorgan Chase's turn wow everyone on Wall Street, announcing a $2.7 billion second-quarter profit thanks to "stellar trading and investment banking results." A few months ago, the bank had accepted $25 billion in bailout cash. Now the Jamie Dimon-led bank is "emerging with renewed confidence," reports the Times, and it's "taking advantage of the financial crisis to vault ahead of longtime rivals in the investment banking rankings and grab market share in mortgages and retail banking." When Goldman shared its good news with the world, we wondered if the bank had an exciting party planned. (It didn't.) We didn't bother to ask Dimon's people if they were planning to live it up this evening. Jamie's too cheap to treat anyone to anything fancy, clearly. But he is the kind of guy who would happily rub his good news in the face of the competition!
To make his job easier, we came up with a perfect way for Jamie to remind people like Citgroup CEO Vikram Pandit and Bank of America chief Ken Lewis that while they may still be at the mercy of Washington, Jamie has "cemented his status as one of America’s most powerful and outspoken bankers," according to the Times.
We went over to the website PersonalWine.com, which allows you to customize bottles of champagne and send them to your friends (or rivals, as the case may be). From what we gather, the service is normally used by couples getting married who want to see their names stamped on the bottles of bubbly they serve at the reception. But there's nothing that says you can't use it to tell everyone on Wall Street to go suck it, right?