• Mr. Blackwell died and Sumner Redstone got divorced and something about Chuck Bass and Neeil Kashkari and the only winner, this week, was Tina Fey.
• Oh, Madonna got divorced too so now she and Sumner Redstone can finally be together.
• We learned who ruined John McCain and who slept with Austrian Neo-Fascists and how much the Obamas spend on their elitist clothes.
• And speaking of those elitist clothes! Sarah Palin spent $150,000 on clothes. Which confused and upset everyone! Even though it shouldn't have, they were just being elitist. Also the money was maybe not spent on clothes? There is a shady robocaller involved.
• Sheila had a fun week! She almost made friends with creepy Terry Richardson (don't do it!!) and we all read her email and oh, she explored what to do when you angrily storm out of the office before noon (spoiler: you drink). Then we learned about put-downs and other matters of etiquette.
• Lindsay Lohan did not have a fun week. She was cut from Gossip Girl. Ugly Betty [Whoops! -ed].
• Ok so Ashley Todd called the cops and said a large black guy attacked her in Pittsburgh's Little Italy. He carved a backwards "B" on her face, for "BARACK BOBAMA <3s BILL BAYERS." Some people got kinda skeptical and it turned out the whole thing was bullshit. It was a heartwarming tale.
• Then Radar died.
• And Ian is leaving us. (At least for the moment.) Welcome Alex Carnevale.

Send an email to Alex Pareene, the author of this post, at alexp@gawker.com.