And Now He's Guilty: Ted Stevens Convicted on Corruption Charges[Update: Now with a minor correction, and also an awesome Ted Stevens statement!] Ted Stevens is guilty of violating ethics laws, and not understanding how the internet works. Hah, just kidding, it's just the fraud stuff. His insane jury, made up of Alaskans DC residents [deny them congressional representation and see what happens, Senators] who kept having violent outbursts, found Stevens guilty of seven charges of corruption. He doesn't have to step down from the Senate, of course, and he's still running for reelection next week. He has said he will not step down. Which is awesome. What with the presidential election going on, we've barely had time for prominent congressional Republicans to face embarrassingly public trials and indictments, like in 2006! In 2006, America watched in glee as Republican congressmen Randy "Duke" Cunningham, Bob Ney, and Tom DeLay all faced indictments on the eve of the midterm elections. Resignations and bitter GOP infighting soon followed! Ney refused to resign until days before the election! Oh, then Florida congressman Mark Foley, uh, had some sort of scandal involving sexy, sexy underaged male pages. Also there was this Jack Abramoff guy! It was an exciting time, sort of. Now we are so busy with Barack Obama being a socialist and John McCain being old that Ted Stevens getting kicked out of the Senate, finally, after 200 years, seems like some happy afterthought. So. Corrupt Alaska Republican fucks his own party and loses an election. Who knew Alaska would matter, this year?
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE October 27, 2008 Statement of Senator Ted Stevens I am obviously disappointed in the verdict but not surprised given the repeated instances of prosecutorial misconduct in this case. The prosecutors had to report themselves to the Justice Department's Office of Professional Responsibility during the trial for ethical violations. Exculpatory evidence was hidden from my lawyers. A witness was kept from us and then sent back to Alaska. The Government lawyers allowed evidence to be introduced that they knew was false. I will fight this unjust verdict with every ounce of energy I have. I am innocent. This verdict is the result of the unconscionable manner in which the Justice Department lawyers conducted this trial. I ask that Alaskans and my Senate colleagues stand with me as I pursue my rights. I remain a candidate for the United States Senate.
Nice.