There Are No Noisy Clubs in Scarsdale

The Jane Hotel's "Ballroom" hasn't exactly been a welcome addition to the neighborhood since it opened a couple of months ago. Local residents have waged war on the hotspot, filing grievances with the city about excessive taxicab traffic, sidewalk smokers, and "noisy nightclub" music. And the hotel owners are fighting back. A New York Times story about the tiff set to run on the cover of the paper's real estate section this weekend was pulled when one of the co-owners, Richard Born, reportedly called editors at the paper and claimed it wasn't totally objective. Naturally, the writer—a blogger and freelance writer for the Timesposted the story to her blog regardless. And now, the gloves are off.

There Are No Noisy Clubs in Scarsdale

But aren't all the taxis, smokers, and noise clubs part of the charm of living in New York City? And why is it that every time a new hotel, restaurant, or club opens, there's invariably a protest that follows? Here's a crazy idea: Perhaps people seeking total peace and quiet should consider relocating to a leafy community outside of Manhattan? We took the liberty of compiling a quick list of pros and cons to suburban living for anyone weighing their options:

Pro: Not having to step over dog poop or used condoms on the sidewalk
Con: Having to actually stop to talk to people on the sidewalk

Pro: No more trannies making out in your doorway
Con: No more takeout menus conveniently placed under your doorway

Pro: Not having to take the smelly subway
Con: Having to drive some variation of minivan, station wagon, or midsize SUV. (And no, even if your station wagon is a Mercedes, that doesn't make it cool)

Pro: Less violence
Con: More social tension

Pro: More space
Con: More anti-depressants

Pro: Bigger stores
Con: Bigger people

Pro (for married women): Hot country club tennis pros
Con (for married men): Hot country club tennis pros

Pro: Costco :)
Con: Sizzler :(

— Molly Fahner