Hello dear friends! I was away last week and so did not watch, and thus did not get to recap, the 
Nov 11, 2008 10:57 AM
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Hello dear friends! I was away last week and so did not watch, and thus did not get to recap, the Gossip Girl episode in which young Jenny became a fashionz guerrilla and ran away from home. Dammit Dave Pirner, why are you always right about everything! But I'm back this week, and I curled up on my couch last night to watch the ridiculous drama unfold. It was indeed ridiculous. Such intrigue this week, with fires and double crosses and blammo! news scoops and, che?, Wallace Shawn. So read on with me after the jump and we'll pick apart this episode, which was appropriately titled "Bonfire of the Vanity."
OK! Where to begin! With boring old Serena, I guess, who is dating the mysteriously stupid Aaron Rose, a scruffy little naif who, though hailing from the Upper East Side, is really a downtown artiste in the vein of Basquiat or the Olsen twins. They had sexy text messages and then he "showed her to the city" or some such drecky bullshit (it involved that favorite hotspot of hip downtown creative types, Times Square) and then slunk off for a photo session at Aaron's breezy loft in which the impossibly blonde and springy Blake Lively tried to act uncomfortable about having her picture taken. It was entirely unconvincing, each pout and little eyelash flutter more assured and kissy-kissy than the one before it. Whatever, they are artist and muse in love! He likes to stay up all night making installation art projects of her out of old bedsheets and some cardboard boxes! Except, sigh. He wants an open relationship. He wants to ferret his mousy little features into other, um, mouse holes and excuuuuuse me if Serena didn't know that.
Meanwhile, Dan Humphrey, a one man Woodward and Bernstein, was being commissioned by New York Magazine to do a seeeecret story on Bart Bass, the glowering father of our saddest clown, Chuckles. Dan took to the task with a reluctant ease, if that makes any sense. He was conflicted, but this could really further his career. You know, because there are only so many make-it-or-break-it career opportunities available to seventeen year olds. I remember when I was 17, I had the opportunity to do props for a school play but then I got in a fight with the stage manager and the assistant director and so I wasn't doing props anymore and my career was over, but then it worked out because I ended up doing props! See!! I'm just like Dan. So he went nosing around Bass Manor while poor, dejected Chuckles—rejected by his pops when he offered him father-son hockey tickets—simmered in a corner, watching...
Things We Lost In The Fire, Gossip Girl Edition: Bart Bass killed a dude in a fire 20 years ago (which is weird! because the fellow who died, 20 years ago last night, was wearing just the same hat that Aaron Rose was the night he diiiiied... and then the next day Serena found the hat on a grave that said Aaron Rose 1968-1988 and she shrieked and shrieked and shrieked!!!!). Also, Jenny the Hobo's crazy friend Agnes of God torched all of Jenny's fashion design choices! Like the dress with the frilly thing, and the frilly thing with the dress! Also, she was sabotaging their super important business meetings with her bitchiness and her drunkenness. It's like one time when I was 15 and... No, I don't have a comparable story, because 15 year olds don't have fancy fashion meetings. And they (hopefully) don't look like sad tired Heroin Lemurs either. Taylor Momsen must have srsly pissed off the show's stylists.
So yes! Dan was conflicted about whether to out Bart Bass as a filthy arsonist, while Jennifer mewped back to Chez Humph with her tale (intentional!) between her legs. But Rufus made a thundering edict and said he would not "No!" support Jenny's venomous lying and conniving, and so she fled again with all of her attaches rattling behind her. She stopped to sit on poor people trash and wept. Oh man did she weep. Her face looked like it was pooping. It sort of hurt my jaw muscles to watch. All in all, Jenny came across super crazy in this episode. Send her to Bellevue! We don't know where little Jenny's headed, but for this week at least it was not to Nate Archibald's flowery loins. Which is fine. He's busy making time capsules of him 'n Dan stuff and writing songs on his recorder and watching fuzzy tape recordings of One Tree Hill. (I guess! He wasn't in this episode.) Will Jenny divorce her parents? Does anyone care?
Dan decided he would "kill" the story (such insidery lingo he uses!) and then he sent his sad little "Lonely Chuckles, The Orphan" short story to Bart. Bart felt bad and apologized to his fishy son and they reconciled and made plans to be frienz. Too bad he's going to dieeee!! ("My son was wearing those cuff links when he died, thirty years ago today..." Oooohhhhhh!!!! Halloweeeeen!) Oh, also. When Bart said that it was hard for him to look at Chuck because he saw his mother in him and they panned to the photograph, I desperately, desperately wanted the photo to be Ed Westwick in a wig. Same pose, same dress, everything. But Ed Westwick in a wig. Pleeeeeease Josh and Stephanie? Pleeeeze just once?
And then, what else? Oh, right! Serena reminded us (what?) that she'd always wanted to live in the 1960's, so when Aaron came squeaking over (can't wait for his movie!) she decided to throw caution and principle to the wind and go traipsing off with him in just her slip, slippers, and a coat. We were all so proud of her for this completely unearned and out-of-left-field character development. Maybe next week we'll find out that she's a racist who can fly. That would be fun! ("I'm right above you Isabel, you filthy ni—")
Last but not least was Blair, who was contending with her mother's huggy, hobbity little love interest, played by esteemed playwright Wallace Shawn. It was funny/sad to see old Wallace playing yet another literate yet urgly fella (remember the window-fall-outty episode of Sex and the City?) I wish Twink Caplan had been in the episode too, 'cause then they could have just done Clueless riffs for the rest of the episode and it would have been way better than this annoyingly twisty, turny, but get nowherey installment.
Things We Should Lose In The Fire, Gossip Girl Edition: Jenny's rumble-face cry. It looks like an atom bomb is exploding in her mouth. Dan's whole quest for a job as a writer. There is nothing more boring on God's green Earth than watching writers talk about writing. Like, srsly. Please no more. It pains me so. Also we should lose sad Rufus in The Fire. Not Rufus all together, but Rufus who is lonely and has no children around! What a sad little plot point that is.
Maybe they're setting the groundwork for the inevitable Vanessa schtupping. That would be great. Just great.
"My daughter was wearing those same enormous day-glo hoop earrings when she died, ten years ago tonight....."
BOO!
Send an email to Richard Lawson, the author of this post, at richardl@gawker.com.
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