Last night might have been the saddest episode of The Hills that I've ever seen. This is saying a lot because there have been many, many (most?) sad episodes of this dreamy, listless reality romp through sun-soaked corners of lonely Los Angeles. But last night... Well, I guess it was really one moment. One terrible, shattering moment of realization and yearning and desperation worthy of Chekhov. The rest of the episode was silly and dismal in its own right, too. Wander the empty, echoing halls with me after the jump. When the episode began, Lauren and Whitney were working for Kelly Cutrone, who was barking at a scared looking Asian girl to get off the damn phone already. "Stop doing business, we're trying to do business here!" Whitney bulge-eyed her way through the meeting and Lauren smirked next to her. The good news? They were going "Back To New York"! The bad news? They were going back to New York, which meant dumb male models and the depressing realization that, when there are reality cameras around, people in New York can be just as dumb and lamely be-hatted as Angelenos. One world! Whitney is essentially a golden-brown Cornish game hen made animate, so she dimly clucked her way through the fashion job, ogle-eying mens in their undahpantz and having blah conversations with Alex, the smooth-faced young model with whom she had a rendezvous several episodes ago. But alas, there were not sparks. Not between Whitney and Alex—she ended up kinda ditching him at bar and making it with an Australian, slightly more talkative version of Justin-Bobby—and certainly not between Whitney and, well, us. This was like, a preview for her new show, right? I've always liked Whitney for playing the strange and moose-ish supporting role to Lauren's lead blonde. She made all those funny facial expressions and said "shopping" like "shoppink" and we all sort of chuckled with/at her. But having her be in the lead... Well, it kinda just showcases how shallow and maybe, really, not all that smart she is. Which is too bad. I had hopes for her. Meanwhile, in the Dust Bowl of sincerity and cheer that is the Heidi/Spencer household, the miserable couple was griping and grunting about Heidi being fired from her silly PR job. She got fired last week for being drunk and, essentially, being Spencer's girlfriend. So that was sad. The scene was this: Heidi was posed at the nightstand, Spencer was on the bed. So it was basically Cat On a Hot Tin Roof except Heidi wasn't trying to get Spencer to sex her, and Spencer isn't a closeted gay with a broken leg, he's just an asshole. But still. They got to talking about how she got fired and she said she had to work on her resume and Spencer said that she could put him down as a reference. I'll tell them that you're the best employee I've ever had, he said to her. And then that was it. Just right after that was the saddest moment ever aired on The Hills. A brief, but not brief enough, stricken look of infinite abysmal sadness crossed Heidi's face. A haunting manifestation of feeling lost and utterly alone. Really, for a second, the world ended. A murder of crows streaked across the sky, the Earth rumbled with the hum of a million Tuvan throat singers, and our giving but stern Creator turned His/Her baleful countenance upon us as if to say "no more, no more pain ever again." We all climbed to the top of a mountain to watch it all happen—Doug the Burrito Heir was there, and so was Brody, and Jen Bunny, and Kristin from Laguna, and Lauren's foot-faced sister, and the parents! they were there!, and everyone we've ever known and loved and hated and been sad about were all there. We all stood at the top of the mountain as the skies turned deep red and a great wind whipped up and suddenly there was a flood and a famine and a plague and an earthquake and a tornado and a hurricane all at the same time and we shut our eyes tight and held hands and knew it was going to end and then— Well, then the moment passed and Heidi put her Stupid Face back on and she and Spencer were normal enough again. They went to a blue-lit party that was for something called the Ultra Mat™, which is a mat that is far superior to other mats. You can use it for all your mat needs, and then some. And wouldn't you know who was at the party???? Heidi's old boss! Despite her meek protestations (Heidi is, by now, a black belt at these) Spencer went up to consult with the dude and say... I'm not sure. "Yo man, we're not sorry about what happened. It just... happened." Brent Bolthouse (or whatever) was very funny and basically said "I don't know you, I don't want to know you ever, so fuck off." Spencer lurched away and Heidi scooped the tiny remaining almond of her dignity up off the ground and went to talk to Bolt Brenthouse herself. "I'm so sorry, I can't control Spencer, anyway I understand... so... can I have a job again?" House Boltbrent said "maybe," basically and gave her some very sage advice about how Spencer is a piece of shit and she needs to stop surrounding herself with people who are pieces of shit. She, most likely, will not take the advice to heart. So that was basically it. Some more sad Heidi shit is happening next week, involving her Chipper sister Holly, who might be moving in with Lauren. Sigh. As much as Heidi's an odious fame whore, she's clearly miserable while doing it. And no one, not anyone, deserves Spencer. He is the poorest excuse for a man ever forged in the dank, shadowy recesses of deepest Cedars Sinai. And, if we're to believe the brief vision we received last night, he will bring about the end of time. Let's hope it's sooner rather than later.