The Crystal Ball: 2010 Revealed!

Lots of important stuff happened in 2009. A bunch of famous people died. A bunch of banks almost died, but then Washington stepped in to make sure that Wall Street's way of life will be preserved forever. Swine flu came along and freaked everyone out (not to mention briefly endangered the air kiss). A publicity-obsessed family earned the attention of a nation by feigning their son's disappearance and launching an enormous Jiffy Pop into the sky. Celebrities got together, cheated on their spouses, broke up, got back together, had kids (or traveled to far-flung places to pick up kids), and checked into rehab. Some managed to do all of the above with a camera crew following close behind. Yes, 2009 has been quite a ride. What can we all expect to see happen in 2010? We took a few minutes to chat with Manhattan psychic Serena Stanley and ask her about a few things that may or may not happen in 2010. Her insight into the future—gratis!—is below.

Let's start off with something straightforward. What are the chances that Snooki from MTV's Jersey Shore gets punched in the face by a guy—again?

I would say there's a 75 percent chance that she'll get punched in the face again. But not this year. I feel like it'll be a few years from now.

Gotcha. Is there a chance Goldman Sachs be forced to defend itself against a populist uprising in 2010 in which people storm their offices armed with guns?

Yes, I think so. But I think they're more worried about people who leave the company turning on them. I think they may fire someone and he could get angry and come back to get them. I actually have a sense that the whole scenario is definitely possible. It just takes one crazy person to rally a whole bunch of people.

That's grim! So is a job in Ruth Madoff's future?

No. But I feel that she's going to write a book. It'll be like the secrets of the rich, and she'll make a fair amount of money.

Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner got married in October. Do you see a long and happy marriage in their future?

I do feel that they're going to have a good future. I see things being great for them for at least five to 10 years. They know each other pretty well and if they didn't think they were going to make it, they wouldn't have gotten engaged in the first place. I know that she's truly, truly in love with him and he's amazingly in love with her. I think it's a great match. It's one of the few celebrity matches I can say I feel good about it.

Are there some couples you're not quite as optimistic about?

I don't know too many of them by name, unfortunately. But there's Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom, and believe it or not, I sense that they're going to be fine. They've got a strong three years. After that, I don't feel so positive about it. But, for now, I think they really enjoy each other. He's been looking for a girl like her. And I feel like she's going to have a baby in the near future.

Will Mischa Barton go to rehab in 2010?

No. She's going to try another new project early this year and is going to become very motivated in her career. She's really going downhill right now and facing a lot of emotional and spiritual attacks. She was this little ball of sunlight and now I see a lot of darkness around her. She's just going through a lot of emotional drama, and I believe it has to do with her family. I don't know what exactly what it is, but there is some sort of turmoil and she's feeling a lot of pain coming from her parents. She feels she doesn't fit in right now.

How about Courtney Love?

Yes, she's going to head to rehab this year, and it's going to work better for her this time. I don't think she was really taking things seriously before. But I feel good things for her. Her health also is going to get better. If she doesn't make it to rehab for some reason, I don't see a lot of longevity in her life and she'll be really sick if she doesn't.

What's the probability that a year from now Jesus Luz will be an unemployed model living in Rio de Janeiro and making ends meet by working as a lifeguard on Copacabana beach?

I don't think he'll ever go back to living as a lifeguard after his time with Madonna.

Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to suggest he was a lifeguard in the past. I just meant, well, where do you see his career going from here?

I don't think doors are going to be closed for him; I think they'll be opened. I feel he'll be successful from this point on and will do quite well if he gets out off the bed and beach.

Got it. What sort of ratings do you see for Tinsley Mortimer's upcoming reality show? Feel free to use the Nielsen ratings scale, if you'd like.

I don't know who Tinsley Mortimer is. Is that a man or a woman?

Okay, let's skip that one. Any chance Olivia Palermo will "quit" her "job" at Elle, swear off designer clothing, join the Peace Corps, and move to Southeast Asia?

Say her name again?

Olivia Palermo.

What does she do? I don't know who she is.

Don't worry about it. You're not missing anything. How likely is it that Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen's baby will turn out to be unattractive?

Sometimes beautiful people can have ugly kids, but that won't be the case with them. The baby will have very strong features, though, and he won't be as good looking as his parents.

Let's talk about Lindsay Lohan and her fashion career. I kind of feel like she owes something to the guy who was ousted as Emanuel Ungaro's CEO [Mounir Moufarrige] recently. She pretty much cost him his job. Maybe she'll make it up to him by putting him in her next movie?

I feel like she's going to try to make it up to him, but I don't think it's going to work. Her efforts will be very short-lived. Sometimes when you're sick and unhappy like she is, you feel better trying to help other people and it helps you overcome your vices. She's in a bad place, but if she knew she had to help someone else, I'm sure she'd snap out of it. She's a really smart girl, very bright, witty and she has a great sense of humor. She's got the soul of an old lady living in a young girl's body. With all that wisdom comes a lot of grief.

Speaking of celebrity fashion, is there any chance Donald Trump will introduce his own line of custom hair pieces à la Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton?

I doubt it very seriously! I think his ego is too big to attach himself to something like that. I believe he'll do very well financially this year, though.

That's a relief. I was worried about him! Is it possible that Ashley Dupre wins a Pulitzer Prize for her New York Post column?

[Laughs] The way things are going today, if she got an award from anyone it would be just for the publicity. It would be one big joke if she won a Pulitzer. But she's straight and blunt. She's truthful. She's really a man in a woman's body, so I guess that's a new perspective for readers.

Uh, what do you mean by that?

She's got a very strong male spirit even though she's a female.

More information on Serena is available at readingsbypsychicserena.com.

— Molly Fahner