Let's do the math here: Ashley Alexandra Dupre, America's most famous hooker, hits the news in March when her fortuitous association with Eliot Spitzer becomes public. Except for some vague second-hand insinuations that she wants a record contract, she doesn't make any real career moves until now, when she decides to do her first interviews with the press. We're pretty sure that she's been getting advice—but are her advisers looking out for her interests as much as we, the gossip bloggers, are? Doubtful. We've put together a complete guide to career options for Ashley—or any woman who finds herself famous after a sex scandal—after the jump. Simply select one and go, Ashley:
- Fashion-Remember Monica Lewinsky's successful line of handbags? No you don't, because her handbag line was not successful. She harbored the illusion that women would choose to spend money to have a fashion item with her personal aura hanging off their arms. It turns out women do not want their fashion labels to convey a reputation for, primarily, blowjobs. Not fair, but a fact. Fashion lines without an extremely cheeky touch are doomed to fail.
- Music-We hear you want a music career. Do you have deep and unique talent? Not from what we've heard. Skip it.
- Talk Show—You could give this a shot, right? I mean, how hard could it be to be the next, say, Ricki Lake? She probably gets around too amirite? (SEXIST). The truth is that hosting a successful talk show is way harder than it looks. I'm sure you could convince some desperate off-brand network to give you a talk show, Ashley, but once the novelty wore off, it would either have to get really sexual really fast, or die. Or you would have to turn out to have some heretofore unknown media skills, which we doubt. Stick to being interviewed yourself, not the other way around.
- Advice Column—Now this is an idea! There are several advantages to an advice column. Initially, people would read just because you're famous. But then, if you had good (SEXY) advice, people would read just to hear that! And you can always hire a ghostwriter. And this isn't dependent on your looks! Save this as a retirement plan. But use a current photo.
- Write a Book—You might have a good, trashy tell-all in you, Ashley, but you'd have to be willing to tell all. These People magazine and Diane Sawyer interviews you're doing now are child's play. You can look sympathetic and respectable on the book's cover, but if you don't give up the (SEXY) goods inside, people aren't going to drop $25 at the airport book store. Do this in the next six months, if you need the cash.
- Politics—It would be funny! Vote for the only New Yorker who could defeat Spitzer, LOL! Actually this would only work if Spitzer restarted his political career and the Republicans were very desperate for an opponent. Though you do have a promising career as a political symbol, Ashley.
- Porn—We have to level with you: this is the most lucrative thing you could possibly do. The sad fact is that women who get famous for sex scandal reasons are always branded, foremost, as sex objects. Sucks if you have actual life aspirations! But you can in fact make millions and millions by doing porn, then take your money and go live in Belize in peace. This would also get you out of Jersey. Think about it.