Despite my best efforts, I was born in the 1980s. So is the youngest member of Congress, Peoria, Illinois' Aaron Schock, after defeating 50 year old Democrat Colleen Callahan on November 4th. Winning around 59 percent of the vote in his urban district, the young Schock is already a rising star in the Republican party, and his devious grasp of new tactics has launched him next to Bobby Jindal in the annals of Hope and Change Republicans. Know this: my insidious generation will do absolutely anything it can to get your vote. This is just the beginning — there's nothing the media loves more than a fresh face, but promise me that you won't look a millennial politician directly in the eyes:A Republican had never won Schock's inner-city district before this election, and he did so by campaigning as a compassionate, benevolent Republican, reaching out to the African-American population in the area with a series of frightening commercials:
If there's anything millennials are good at, it's saying exactly what you want to hear. You old folks call it lying, but it's just a way of life when the educational system has given you no real sense of American history. The Republican party doesn't need to reinvent itself — it just needs to make its talking points more fun, and dress the part.
Not that the generations before Schock have done anything to earn the public trust, but I am interested in sponsoring some kind of law that could prevent anyone I knew in high school or college from ever running for public office. There's that fear inside me that Barack Obama's message of hope and change was also heard by evil young men and women whose first cassette single was Blind Melon's "No Rain," and who are more familiar with the work of Jonah Goldberg than Leo Strauss. This can't be happening. We know that every politician has a facebook group, but the 'Aaron Schock for President in 2016' seems especially sinister for some reason. Older people screwed things up, but we will make it so much worse. I suggest we just cryogenically freeze Barack right now and thaw him out in thirty years when the shit is really hitting the fan.