Hey, Barack Obama's on the TV. Remember when he introduced the people who'd save the economy, week before last? Now, it is time to save the entire world. Please welcome his all-star national security team, starring Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, a Republican, and a retired General! New Beginnings guaranteed or your money back!
Barry lays out what is challenging us, today: Two wars, old conflicts unresolved, new strains, terrorism, nuclear powers, foreign oil, etc. Also: education will allow out children to compete head-to-head with foreign children, as mathlete warriors.
These guys share Obama's pragmatism and his sense of purpose.
Hillary Clinton looks exhausted, and kinda pissed off.
Robert Gates: beloved because he's not Rumsfeld. That is his primary qualification for this office? Wait, Obama just said the war on terror will end in Afghanistan!
Janet Napolitano as Homeland Security chief is fine, though we'd prefer maybe dissolving that entire bloated department. Susan Rice is pretty cool, and it will be nice to have a UN Envoy that maybe doesn't want to blow up the UN. Eric Holder will probably be fine too.
10:54 Oh god they all get to speak? Here's Hillary! This is her goodbye to New York, a place she's visited a couple times, and a state she represented in the Senate, we're told by reliable sources. Also the world cannot solve crises without America and vice versa. Blah.
Hillary wants to build a future with more partners and fewer adversaries.
Robert Gates is honored, etc. Eric Holder would like us to both be safe, and he'd like to uphold the "Constitution." We admire his mustache. It'll be kinda wacky to not have an evil Justice Department, right? We hope he has fun with all those right-wing political hacks hired and promoted at every level in Justice. Good luck, Eric!
Here comes Janet! The Governor of Arizona thanks the wonderful people of that state. Like, uh, John McCain. And Kurt Warner. Those are the only Arizonans we know of. Like Hillary, she's looking forward to getting the hell out the state she represents.
Susan Rice is short. She'd like to remind us that the UN totally belongs to America.
James Jones, retired Marine General, will be the National Security Advisor. His job will be to get Hillary and Robert Gates to agree. He introduces our new Vice President, Smilin' Joe Biden! Yay!
Biden would like to remind us that he has been around forever. He knew Jim Jones when he was in short pants, dammit! The shortage of energy, water, and food, the technical revolution, terrorism: these are things Joe Biden would like you to know that he knows all about.
Smilin' Joe Biden is just trying out his stump speech again, we think. These are extraordinary times, "that is not a flight of fancy, or exaggeration." Extraordinary!! But we're optimistic!! Great team!! America will lead not just by the example of our power, but by the power of our example, or something!! Heeeeeeere's President-elect Obama again!
Question time: Barack Obama feels really bad about that thing in India. Man, that sucked. Barry would like to remind you that there is only one President at a time, so he can't do anything about it. One president at a time! A new beginning!
How can we make sure this will be a team of rivals and not a clash of rivals? Obama's answer: many of them have worked together before! And they all are v good public servants! Our answer: ideologically they run the gamut from A to B. Seriously, we've got some realists, some interventionists, and some left-center hawks. Not a single know-nothing to be found! Anyway. Vigorous debate.
Did Obama shave? We're thinking not! We hope he grows a Van Dyke during his first term.
Unshaven dirtbag president Obama hopes India catches the terrorists, national sovereignty, not everyone will agree with Obama but he is the decider.
Hey, someone wants to know about how Hillary's foreign policy cred is "grossly exaggerated," according to the Obama campaign, back when they were fighting. Hillary is kinda smirking, and Obama is all "the press loves to stir shit up." They share the view that America should be safe, though, which is why she is qualified. He is maybe just hinting that she's a good SecState because she's respected and liked abroad, even if the Sinbad bullet-dodging thing was made up.
"You're known as a pretty good story-teller. Can you tell us a little story of how Hillary Clinton was selected?" Also: does Robert Gates count as the Republican in the Cabinet or will there be another token pick? What a crazy question. What the hell. Gates is qualified to support our troops! But... no story. Obama didn't go around checking everyone's voter registration cards. Geez. With respect to Clinton, Obama has always admired her, they worked together in the Senate, she is tough and smart and disciplined, they share core values. This is boilerplate. But the press is still all "...her?" Obama acknowledges that that is not a very good story.
Hey, are we still leaving Iraq? We are sort of leaving Iraq. But there will be a "residual force" there forever and ever. 100 years!
THE END. THANK YOU VERY MUCH EVERYBODY. Sheesh. That took forever. Anyways, Gates, Clinton, and Jones will make war on everyone forever and ever, because Obama is the candidate of change. (The actual change being, of course, that Obama's team is made up of realists, not crazy neocon idealists. Did you think you were voting for some liberal peace candidate? Get a job, hippie! The grownups are in charge, again!)