Dreaming of a White Christmas? It's L.A., so a Wet Christmas is the closest you're going to get. It rained last week, so who knows, you might be making puddle angels in the Vons Hollywood parking lot while Santa cruises through the lower atmosphere. Let's just hope Ol' St. Nick's entrances require fewer sonic booms than the Space Shuttle Endeavor.
If today - December 1 - is your birthday: Time is running out. You only have thirty days to make life-changing resolutions and prepare yourself for 2009, the year that you'll get that breakthrough role and achieve long-lasting fame. Or was that 2012? Sorry, the stars were in the hills and their cell kept breaking up.
The future, Conan? Let's all look to the future, after the jump!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): First phone call today: Cancel that meeting with Les Moonves. After the meager numbers Rosie and Ellen brought in, no one wants another lesbian variety show and you'll just be embarrassing yourself and the talent. Second call: Break the bad news to Janis Ian.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Taurus is your enemy this week, specifically the pale blue 1992 model that will hit you while you cross Avenue of the Stars. The driver, an aspiring writer with a couple features and a 30 Rock spec, certainly has your attention now.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Finally, some time to yourself after the hustle-bustle of Thanksgiving and Black Friday. Now you can start reading that thick stack of comedy pilots featuring women at a crossroads in life or single dads coping with various distractions.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20): The career of Lauren Graham, a fellow Pisces, will show you the ideal life path this week. It's time to pull the plug on that unhealthy, codependent, mother-daughter relationship so you can focus on romance, even if there's limited chemistry with your male counterparts. You're beautiful and full of snappy banter, it's not your fault.
Aries (March 21 - April 19): Putting on a concert is a great way to get the interest of record labels and producers, but you should probably showcase your own work rather than cover other artists. Your Billy Joel tribute, "A Culver City State of Mind," will get you attention, but not the good kind.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20): Trying is not the same as doing. This week, try to keep a brave face while that development executive screams at you for passing on that indie hit, but make sure you do key a few profanities into his Porsche's hood.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21): You'll feel a lot more relaxed about your financial life in this time of entertainment industry cutbacks if you throw away those bills, forget about next year's taxes and hit a massive bowl of hydro. It always works for Willie Nelson.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22): Make strong decisions this week. When HR asks you to cover the desk of that notoriously needy agent, just say: "I'm not doing that shit" and head back down to the mailroom. You won't be leaving there for a while.
Leo (July 23 - August 22): Holding that boom mic for hours on end might hurt your back and make you feel anonymous, but it makes your family so proud when they pause the end credits of DVD's to see your misspelled name.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Appearances matter this week, and when in doubt, choose the surgical option. Those infomercials and Armenian ladies at the Clinique counter may promise dramatic results, but only drastic facial and body modifications will get people to mistake you for Angelina Jolie.
Libra (September 23 - October 23): Concentrate on your directing career. There will always be a time for love, friends and family when you're successful and it's only a 40% chance you will alienate them forever with your rude behavior. Those are good odds.
Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): When that cubicle gets claustrophobic, take a walk around the office: All the other agent trainees feel just as constrained as you, but they are better at their jobs and will have more success in their lives.