Only 50 more days of President George W. Bush. So many feelings, right? ABC has released the transcript of a Charlie Gibson sit-down interview airing tonight, and it must be said that our current president was, and remains, a very stupid man. For example, he blames the current recession on "a lot of the decisions that were made on Wall Street took place over a decade or so, before I arrived in president." But now is a time to look forward. Is there a future for the man who wrecked our nation and the world? Yes, and his stupidity is what makes it work. Take our advice and prosper, George; here are the five keys to the revival of your image:
- Those of severely impaired intelligence cannot be blamed for their sins: This is the single best thing you have going for you, Dubya. You're an idiot. Everyone knows you're an idiot. Once upon a time you were a useful idiot; now that you're retiring in disgrace, you're no longer useful, politically speaking. But you're still an idiot. The upside of this is that it won't be hard to convince the world that forces far more cunning than you manipulated you into doing all these evil things. Forces named Dick Cheney. All you have to do is start dropping Cheney's name more and more into future interviews, until his controlling hand in all matters becomes clear.
Ask an adult to help you with this.
- The inevitable post-presidential book: All ex-presidents "write" a book. You will do the same, without the "writing" part. Some of these books are truth-free extended versions of political stump speeches; others are so long and ponderous that any truth within is only ferreted out by the unfortunate journalists assigned to read them. Everyone knows you have no literary abilities, so your book should not be ponderous; and you were never a good speaker, so don't take a stump speech as a model. What you need is dirt. A teeny-tiny bit of dirt will suffice. That dirt should be about Dick Cheney, the bad man who convinced you to do all those bad things. See previous point for guidance.
- Get your nice, cushy, non-political job: Mr. Bush, you can be the next Commissioner of Baseball. You love baseball, and while I assume you are just as stupid about baseball as you are about other topics, you can take comfort in the fact that the many other stupid baseball team owners will make you look good in comparison. Look, I know tons of baseball fans would be outraged at the appointment of an incompetent warmonger as Commissioner. But most baseball commissioners suck, and with one or two decent advisers you should be able to avoid making any major mistakes. Five to ten years in this gig, and people will remember you more for improving the instant-replay system than for that whole Hurricane Katrina business. As an added bonus, people in baseball who give ridiculously nonsensical quotes are celebrated as icons (Yogi Berra) rather than despised as clueless disasters on the world stage (you, as president).
- Surround yourself with unobjectionable objects and people: Your mom is Barbara Bush. America loves her, despite the fact that there is no compelling reason to do so. They just see her as some idealized version of grandma. Your daughters will soon have their own children, George, and you can make a space for yourself as America's idealized version of grandpa: harmless, doting, chuckly, showing the toddlers around the ranch and telling tall tales about animals. Get yourself several cuddly dogs. Adopt a charity rich in heartwarming visual imagery—the Special Olympics would be appropriate. Babies, puppies, baseball, and the handicapped: these are the things you want associated with you in the public mind.
- Stay away from politics forever: Your idiocy may be enough to eventually absolve you of your past sins. But if you choose to pursue your twisted Rovian agenda into the future, nothing will be able to help you. It is of utmost importance that you leave the political world behind in favor of innocuous, popular activities. Jimmy Carter rehabilitated his own image as a failed president by taking strong stands on political issues, but Jimmy Carter is a far smarter man than you, George. Go back to Texas, enjoy your book royalties, and be sure to pin the blame on Cheney when you hit the speaking circuit. The only remnant of the Christian conservative agenda you should really cling to is the little prayer you say each night for President Obama's success. The quicker he can fix what you broke, the quicker people will forget about everything you did.