Nobody died last night! I don't mean in the world, of course people, too many people, died in the world last night. I mean, more importantly, on Gossip Girl. Two long weeks ago, the "on the next..." clip made it seem like old Barty
Bass would be saying hoof to that bucket and bending it like BeckHamm (the super soccer robot made from parts of David and Mia). And maybe he did, far off in the Chekhovian outlands of unseen action, but we didn't get any confirmation one way or another. Just late-breaking word of "the accident." So, ah well, I guess we'll have to wait til next week. For now, other stuff happened! Come read about it with me, won't you?
Because Gossip Girl understands you, Jenny has become the avatar of all the listless young New Yorkians currently out of work. She stays at home in Brooklyn and does manic, weird tasks like arranging records by category, and worries about what the eff she's going to say to her parents. Plus she has an older Mexican orphan come over and steal her boyfriend, just like you! I'm talking of course about Vanessa (I know she's not necessarily Mexican. Comedy!) who had a terrible Nate-shaped (basically like a croissant only floppier) secret in her heart. Remember that she hid his lusty mash note to young Jennifer? Well she did. And now she and Nate are doin' it on the down low and she feels very conflicted. How far all of these morally superior characters have to fall once they've made a small mistake!
Then one of the Weird Sister Bitches came over, the Greek princess named Penelope (fitting!), and said "I hate you, make me a dress." Jennifer needed the bones so she said aight and got to sewing a fantastically stupid brackish dress. No matter, because that would soon be tossed to the wind when: young Nathaniel, played semi-convincingly by Twink Android model number #542-fancyfeather (service name: Chace Crawford), is caught by the nefarious Gossip Girl whilst sucking mug with his Dickensian chica. Ohhh the blood did boil when Jenny got her hair helmet in a snitz and saw the photos on her phone box! She needed revenge, nowwww!!!!
Like the lovelorn and world weary Odysseus, Jenny was drawn back to Penelope and dashed upon the rocks of her scheming bitchery. "Make her wear this see-through dress," the Weird Sisters (really mixing my metaphors here) hissed. Because, oh yes! What crime! To be seen in ones shapely underoos by a crowd of horny teenage boys! She'll be the laughingstock of awkward late night fumblings! Jenny, scrumple-faced and as unconvincingly motivated as ever, decided to go through with the wicked plan ("Is this a shitty see-through dress which I see before me?").
Meanwhile, there was some lumbering nonsense about Serena and her Secret of NIMH boyfriend Aaron. She heard his ex-goilfriend Lexi making apt fun of the stupid Gyro lady photos he'd taken of S. and hung in a gallery. He defended himself dumbly by saying "women have been a focus of art since time immemorial" or some bullshit. That's like saying "bowls of fruit have been a focus of art since blah blah someone push me down a flight of stairs, please." His whole "Brooklyn artist" thing is just... he looks like a rat, OK? He looks a rat and I don't like it. All the while, Lexi was fixing her beady eyes on young Humph, innuendoing that perhaps he should escort her to the big school charity Snowflake Ball.
Oh! I forgot to tell you! Because I guess I assumed you would infer it anyway, because every fucking episode of this show must revolve around a party or some kind of dopey event. Well this one was the Snowflake Ball and it involved people dancing and mingling until midnight when Chace Crawford was lowered into the room on a disco ball, dressed as a sex elf named Snowflake. Or something like that.
So yeah, Lexi was going with Danno and Serena was grumbly about it and Aaron said "Dan ain't gonna be grumbly about it, that girl puts out on the first date for some weird tangentially feminist reason." Serena was all grossed out by sex so she decided to sex Aaron, after the big dance. Er'body wanted to bone! Including Blair and Chuckles, who continued to circle each other while the ever-quizzical Dorota squirms, stuck in the juicy middle. "You find me a date that I like, and I'll find you a date that you like" was the bet/dare/challenge/yawn of this particular episode and it yielded some funny results when: a) predictably, the dates ended up being into each other and b) Chuck showed up to Chace's big elf debut dressed as a third grader's bedroom ceiling. Seriously. It was like he had glow-in-the-dark stars and moons all over that sparkly jacket of his.
Something also happened with Rufus and Lily making goo-talk at each other, but the real dramz was unfolding when V. told N. about stealing the letter and N. was all "evs," but it was too late because she stepped out
across the seal, thus destroying the temple in which the true Grail and the old knight guy are kept, and Elsa fell into a bottomless pit!
into the middle of the room, the spotlight went on, and there, soooo embarrassingly, her perfect figure was revealed. Jessica Szohr did a good job of acting like she'd just pooped herself and N. ran up to Jenny, who looked like Catherine O'Hara in Beetlejuice at this point, and was like "you're so stupid" and then Jenny was all sad and was like "I can't believe I almost had sex with him" and then Chuck was like "you almost had sex with who?" and Jenny was like "Nate" and Chuck was like "bwahahah, your man Nate is a cake boy!" and Jenny was like "what?" and then Blair drove on the freeway and everyone shrieked. Or you know, whatever happened. Nate and Van are smoochily together in the end. Which is good, because she knows she has that Twink Android users manual somewhere at home. Jenny meanwhile made ominous threats to the Weird Sisters that she might be moving to Manhattan so she can compete in the ever-important high school social scene.
Then Dan and Serena had a weird awkward conversation about people sticking things into other people and how it made them feel and I don't like watching Penn Badgley try to dance or act lusty or really anything. I wish I could clap my hands or wrinkle my nose or blink my eyes and banish him back to John Tucker Must Die forever. I think things were resolved with them, but who knows??? Because then Lily came rushing up and said "holy fuck, there's been a fucking accident. That old dude's dead or something, holy shit balls what am I gonna tell that shitty kid of his? Ohhh for fuck's sake I hate my fucking life." I think that's verbatim, actually. You can consult the clip above to verify that.
So we're left teetering on the brink of something: when do we grieve? And how? Judging by the promo tease, it looks like Chuckles' hair gets long and greasy and there's some srsly big secret about why Lily was in the mental institution. Secret Rufus love child? Hysterical rickets? Schmendrick's disease? (Please someone get that last reference, I will give you money.*)
I guess we'll have to wait to find out next week! Oh it's all so exciting! And all so fleeting. Everyone's dying and lying and having sex now. I remember these jokers when they wuz but kids. It happens so fast. It happens too fast.