Birthday Brings Britney Spears Much-Needed Attention

  • Despite showing off her cleavage, Britney Spears managed to attract only the likes of Lance Bass and Ciara to her big 27th birthday party at Tejune. But that's still a better guest list than she'd have been allowed at either of the mental hospitals she visited this year. And she's finally the center of America's attention!
  • A judge and prosecutor totally framed Roman Polanski for having sex with that kid. And the 30-year U.S. fugitive has a documentary to prove it! [P6]
  • Mary-Kate Olsen is NOT pregnant, just 102 pounds. Such a cow. [Us]
  • Patrick Swayze is NOT on his deathbed or last legs, just a victim of rumors. [Daily Star]
  • The Post pre-reviewed Cher's forthcoming album of covers: "Delight of trannies everywhere." Wow. [P6]
  • How many times did Donald Trump tell his idiot brother Robert to get a prenup? How many times?? [P6]