Top Chef Is Creme BruLameS

Hey guys! Your regular Top Chef recap fella, Joshua David Stein, unfortunately was unable to watch last night's episode. So, you're stuck with me. Most of you probably already got your jibblies out during our weekly live blog extravaganza, but just in case a lone few of you didn't comment til your fingers bled, we'll proceed with a wrap-up right here and right now. I don't know anything about food! So, should be fun!

At the onset of last night's TV-themed episode, Padma Lakshmi issued a series of guttural, terrifying zombie moans and introduced us to her dear plastic friend Rocco DiSpirito. You know, Rocco! He's been on the show a bamillion times because he's got nothing better to do, other than hawking frozen pasta meals and dry weeping (tear ducts no longer function.) The Quick Fire challenge was to make a little amuse bouche of breakfast, and Rocco stressed that he liked bacon. If you could also maybe infuse that bacon with sweet, sweet Restylane, he'd be your best friend forever. Now here's the tricky part: I am pathologically incapable of learning anyone's names on these kinds of shows until there are like only 7 or 8 people left. So I don't know anyone's name. I'm just going to go with vague nicknames and you can sift through and figure out what the hell I'm talking about.

Not that it matters, because no one really made anything interesting. Mostly they barreled through the competition rules and didn't make a bouche at all—having to cut something with a knife and pick it apart or do some gross, eggnoggy espresso shot is not an amuse bouche. There were a couple highlights, mostly that skinny-faced Leah girl or something and the bald Scandinavian who is a ringer to win this whole damn thing. He made a huevos ranchero something or other and put it back inside the perfectly-cut eggshell. Which was cute! Except, I really want to see him spectacularly fail, soon. The skinny-faced thing made a little bite of eggs and bacon and fried bread, the proper amuse bouche portion she was quick to add, and Padma said "It doesn't taste as good as human brains, sweet delicious human brains" and Rocco shoved a needle into his face and said "I should be able to express happiness in about four to six years." Skinny face won, much to the grundly displeasure of the only remaining member of Professor Fabulous' Magical Gay Pirate Food Squad or whatever. That lesbian totally wanted to win! But she didn't! Skinny-face is going to be runner-up in this competish.

On to the real challenge, in which Tom Colichio was bald and Padma and her ilk scoured the land for consumable human flesh. Naws, y'all I'm playin. What they really had to do was a food demonstration. So there, distilled into a twenty minute or so segment, was the entire season of Food Network's Next Food Network Star! How sad for them! And how much, much sadder for Amy Finley! Lots of people made dumb choices. Why are we cooking eggs on a time constraint? Why, for the love of the fuck god, would once choose to make crème brûlée? Curly-haried McStevenson repeated that he "wanted to be different" and I murmured to the TV "you are different, you're a gay bear who doesn't know he's a gay bear because he's marrying a lady. That's different!" He should buy a Mac! Because of his thinking!

I'm delaying here because, again, I have no idea what I'm talking about. The on-camera demonstrations went terribly, most people running out of time and kind of grunting sadly to themselves. "And then you take your stupid spatula and you— what? What? Oh, we're out of time? Oh. OK. [gunshot]" The sole member of Arthur Q. Buggery's Sodomy Squadron got really mad when her egg wouldn't cook and they almost released Padma off her chain and let her devour her. "Tastes fishy," she would have moaned. (Get it???)

Old Lady Jersey, who is an old lady from New Jersey, pleasingly did well on this one. I mean, it makes sense considering she didn't cook anything. She just threw some watermelon and cheese and tomato on a plate and said "see you in hell, cuisine" and everyone liked it. The secret of last night's challenge was that the three top dishes would be on the Today Show! You know, with that one lady with all the makeup and the dry, blowed-out hair. And the other lady who fits the exact same description. And the other one. But anyway, the three top dishes—Old Jersey, Mario the Fake Italian Plumber Cook, and He-Man—all got woken up supes early by Tommy Colic and bussed off to Rock Center.

They didn't go on the show, which aired months ago, because it would ruin the surprise for the approximately nobody who would remember that the whole thing had happened. So it was just the dishes and Dr. Tom. Meredith doesn't like watermelons. Because she's racist! And Hoda just muttered in a corner. And the other lady, Natalie something, never has anything to say. This left intrepid soul Kathie Lee Gifford to fart around and eat these idiots' farty food. When she got to He-Man's dish, a little trio of rolled up things that were useless, she couldn't do it. Having known only the taste of her swallowed pride for so very many years, Kathie Lee was not used to these island flavors. So she had to spit it out. On live TV. Because she is that way. And by "that way," I mean "a consummate professional."

Evs. Old Jersey won. Which, good for her. She's not long for this Top Chef world, so let's give her some accolades now while she's still around. Meanwhile, back at the judges' table, three people were called up to the firing squad. There was the tall skinny blonde meth addict, Curly-haired McStevenson, and the only remaining club member of J.R. Quigley's Gay Folks and Astronomy Club. They chastised the meth head for making food that was too spicy, to which she replied "fuck that man, fuck that shit. I [scratching hole in face] tasted that shit and it tasted salty like a motherfucker. Yo, you gonna watch that TV or can I sell it?" The last tribe member of Forever: A Promises Club For People Who Rub Their Genitals On People Of The Same Sex was belittled for getting supes angry when her egg didn't cook. And then she wept and said "it's because I'm infertile!!!!!" And that actually didn't happen.

Curly-haired McStevenson was the obvious choice to go home. He's getting married! And he said it a lot! Because no one has ever gotten married before ever so he is a pioneer! He went home because his creme brulame (see????) just wasn't up to snuff. TomTom C's said "you have three seconds to run, then we're unleashing the living undead hellspawn that is Padma and she will follow your delicious, gamy scent to the ends of the earth." So he hot-footed it out of there and Padma cried a sad zombie ballad.

So that's food! That is what food is all about this week, my dear friends! Some people are Tops! Others are bottoms. And only one person is part of Arliss McDooglefanny's Rear Ending and Fisting Societie. That's just the way it is.

Oh, and! There's like some sorta lurve between skinny-face and one-a-them-bald-dudes. Not the filthy Swede. The other one. Who's not really been on the show. Because no one cares. You know who I'm talking about. He's bald.

Seacrest, out!